Friday, February 22, 2008

Hover Craft

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I like to be clean.

I wash my hands every time I come in from outside, use the restroom, and practically every time I touch something new. I posted about that before. I bathe twice a day for both hygeine and comfort - a shower in the morning to wake up, a bath or shower at night to put me to sleep - and to play my part in harming the environment by wasting energy and putting phosphates down the drain. I figure I gotta make up for my tiny energy bills and use of public transportation sometime. To hell with paying down my carbon debt - I'mma rack it up where I can! I'm drinking out of styrofoam right now!

Anyway, I'm clean. I know I can't trust the same of other people, and I'm smart enough to know that I can get germs anywhere. Again, I use public transportation - can you say sticky metal poles, hobo-stench, corn chips and used newspapers? Can you say it three times fast?

Do you realize the kind of stuff that you collect on your shoes and bring into your home?

Do you know where your cash has been? Do you know where it was on the night of October 28, 2005?

So I'm not going to freak out about, say, putting my butt on a toilet seat. I will freak out about using a toilet seat that somebody has pissed on whilst "hovering" to avoid germs.

This is what I discovered in the office bathroom today. I go into my favorite stall (the handicap cove), examine the seat for standard dealbreakers like splashback and errant pubic hairs, and find a seat dotted with yellow piss. What the hell?! There is some woman in my office parading around like a professional grown-up, but spraying toilet seats in private. I normally trust everyone always, but this made me seriously question the morality of my female coworkers.

I'm not gonna try to guess who did it, but I'm going to assume it wasn't someone I work with directly. I like them all too much. But I'mma keep an eagle eye on the women across the floor.

What kind of person do you have to be to commit such a lowly act? I mean, at least wipe the seat off - if not for your self pride, but to keep up the illusion that toilet seats are clean and friendly real estate.

The thing that gets me is this person is so obsessed with sharing germs, yet she will pee all over a seat like some animal and walk away feeling superior to others for not sharing germs. Fuck you! My germs aren't good enough for you, but you expect me to slosh around in yours.

Look - I understand a fear of a gas station toilet seat; you never know what kind of trash is going to roll off the interstate and dispel their waste. And those people don't care how they leave the restroom - there's yellow stains in the toilet bowl, rusty specks on the wall, and always, always water (or some fluid) on the floor - it's like a vacation from responsibility. I've cleaned them. I know.

But this is the restroom you share with coworkers. You touch the same elevator buttons, eat off the same bagel tray, use the same sponge to wash your dishes in the kitchen, your Tupperware bumps uglies with strange lunchboxes in the fridge. We all work for a respectable organization, and presumably we're all good people. Let it go...just sit on the seat.

Furthermore - and I'm no doctor here - but your ass isn't your hand. You're not going to wipe your face with your ass or type up a report with your ass or open doors with your ass. Your hands do all that stuff, and that's why you wash them after using the restroom. Your ass on the other hand, is immediately wrapped up into underwear and pants/whathaveyou. As far as I see it, your ass is the most protected part of your body; if you have to share a toilet a couple of times a day, so what? You're gonna take a shower later.

Argh!!!! Get over yourself! You're not gonna die from ass exposure!

Just...just stop peeing all over the goddamn seats, you filthy savages.

So there's that,



mkieper said...

You need to put signs up that say...

If you sprinkle when you tinkle
be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

I'm right there with you on this one. I know a few hoverers here at work...they are also the people who believe you can get stuck my a needle in the balls at McDonalds.

Laura said...

Yeah, because junkies and phlebotomists have all the time in the world to toss their sharps into a primary colored ball pit.

Useless people, the lot of them.