Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Band Best Not Play Me Off...

I'm down 1.4 lbs this week, which brings me to a total loss of 15.2 lbs since Christmas!

Thank you, thank you!

I didn't prepare a speech...I don't know what to say! Ummm...I'd like to thank my weekly allowance of 35 extra dubdub Points for letting me eat tacos on Thursday night without guilt. I'd like to thank the elliptical machine at the gym - you know which one you are (LifeFitness on the left with a built-in TV). OH, and I can't forget the high-protein dinner last night that didn't sit in my stomach like a sack of quarters.

But most importantly, I'd like to thank my bowels for surprising me with an unprecedented a.m. movement. You...your love and respect is insurmountable.

I'm suffering an embarrassment of riches.

So there's that,


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Thing I Hate About Weight Watchers

Is this business:

Please note: Although it's normal to lose over 2 lbs in 1 week, a safe rate of weight loss is no more than an average of 2 lbs per week after your first 3 weeks. If you lose too quickly, it could pose health risks, such as heart irregularities, anemia or loss of muscle mass. If you're losing too quickly, please slow your weight loss; your doctor can help you do this if you're not sure how.

How about:

Note this, bitch: Way to lose 3.2 pounds this week, fat ass!
You know how to excercise, eat right, and work the program - keep up the good work.
Here are some tips on staying motivated:
  • Keep a food journal.
  • Don't be ignorant.
  • Don't eat this stuff.
I mean jeez Weight Watchers. Way to be all, "Lose weight and feel good! Tanya lost 157 pounds* (*resultsnottypical)," in one breath, and all, "Ummm don't lose too much weight," in the other. Eff you, em-effers.

Plus, my leader is an old cooz. Old = 70s. All the old people like her and think she's really motivating, but she's actually kind of messed up. She uses all this 1980s Scarsdale and Atkins diet lingo in the meetings, and I get the vibe that she's more "diet" than "lifestyle change." That's totally not what WW (from here on out it shall be called "dub-dub") is all about. But she has been a lifetime member for 23 years, so I guess she knows something. Even so, I get the vibe that she still hangs on to old dieting lore.

I really want to be a leader. I mean, it's kind of hard to be inspired by some of these leaders who've only had to lose 20 lbs to be happy/at goal. A loss is a loss blahblahblah, and if it means something significant to you to be back at your cheerleading weight then hoo-rah. But I need someone who's been in the stinky, sweaty folds of obesity - preferably all their lives and a couple of times over - who can really inspire me. And I wanna be that person. I wanna be all, "Oh, you want to lose 23 pounds? That's great!...mmmmmiiiiilostonefifty."

Nah, that's a touch passive aggressive. I couldn't do that, could I? Um, but speaking of passive-aggressive, how about this line from the dub-dub "note" above: "Please slow your weight loss; your doctor can help you do this if you're not sure how." Mmmmm...I'm pretty sure I know how to slow my weight loss, thankyouverymuch; I've been doing nothing but that for 20 years. Ack! Ack! Ack!

Oh! And I effing love how the dub-dub's healthy living section of the site identifies only 4 different life stages for women: Bride-to-Be, College Student, New Mom, and 40+. Uh? How about Disenchanted Twentysomething? How about Quarterlife Crisis? How about Cathy Cartoon? College Student I can handle because I was there, but not all of us go from college to matrimony to baby-havin' (or reverse) to menopause. Some of us are a little more pathetic than that. I swear to God if I hear someone bitch about their 20 lbs of baby weight, I'm gonna throttle her. How about you "intercourse it off" youknowwhatimeanjustuseprotection? Same with brides-to-be. Forty Plus? I guess you and I are in the same boat...only I can still menstruate.

Not fair. I wanna be a leader and I wanna make a big impact on this program.

But pretty much the point of this whole post is to note that I lost 3.2 pounds this week. More paperclips, please!

So there's that,


Go Here

Justin posted about this site and I love it so much.  It's astounding.  It's disgusting.  It's inspirational. 
It's totally deep-fried.
Go there now.
So there's that,

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Another Minus!

Down another 2 lbs this week!  Well, 1.6, but the total weight loss number went up two whole integers.  Fetch me two paperclips, bitches!
So there's that,

Monday, February 9, 2009

Better Every Day

I think I lost more weight this week, and that makes me happy.  I can achieve something out of all this nothing.
Hung out with some friends on Saturday night, allowed myself to eat without worry.  It wasn't bad stuff, though - light brie, pork tenderloin, salad with apples and feta, roasted potatoes.  I don't eat a lot on the weekends in general because my days aren't structured.  I don't really make a habit of using my extra 35 Points for the week, either, so I figure by the time Saturday night comes and all I've had is cereal and a latte?  It's okay for me to eat without counting.  The 35 points are for "fudges" - in case I underestimate my daily points somehow.
I've also made it a habit to fast on Sundays.  Again, because of the structure thing.  I'll probably have coffee and something small, if I'm feeling it, otherwise I'll probably just eat something light for dinner.  I'm not depriving myself; I'm just not forcing myself to eat if I'm not hungry.  I don't do much on Sundays anyway, so it's not like I'm denying energy from my body.  Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast, and a baked potato with salsa and cheese for dinner.  Carbs.  Yum.
I'm not eating sugar is the thing.  That is, I'm not going out of my way for it.  That's one good thing about not being with Steven anymore - boy was addicted to sweets.  Dessert all the time.  And he wasn't fat!  I was exposed to more sweets during my time with him than I had been in all of 2008.  I swear! 
So yeah, things are getting better every day.  I thought about him for a bit last night, thought about when I should start dating again, but I don't think I can do it yet.  I don't think I can rehash all those life stories one more time, answer more questions, submit to the interviews, ask my own questions.  I'm dating myself for the foreseeable future.
So there's that,

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Shield

I hold on to my fat to keep people at a distance.
Fat has always been my thing.  I'm sure many people out there will say that it's my personality, my sense of humor, or some talent that makes me unique, and that may be true.  But to me, all of these things came out of my fat.
I have to have a good personality, a can-do attitude, and strong resolve; I've developed them all to compensate for my size.  Even as a kid, I knew that people wouldn't take a second look at me if I didn't have a positive quality to offer.  I didn't want to be on the bottom because of my weight, so I made sure that it couldn't keep me down.  I strived to be the best at everything - grades, school organizations, singing...even spelling.  As nerdy as it is, I even wanted to be good at spelling.
It worked.  I got a scholarship to college by writing an essay and ponying up the personality at the interview.  I was the most active student in my college major program.  I got involved in a sorority so I could have a normal college girl experience in spite of my size. 
My fat put me out there.  My personality got me through.
My dark sense of humor comes from the fat, right out of the unfairness of having to sit on the periphery.  Yeah, even though I was "out there" I was still on the margin.  I got to see my peers navigate their relationships, got to give them advice because I was an onlooker.  I got to see the strong friendships form in my social groups, but I was never in one.  I still don't think I've ever had a best friend in that sense. 
I was close with Sara in high school, but it seemed like she was closer to Nicole, closer to her boyfriend Wilson.  I was always a third wheel.  My cousin Dusty had his friend Nick.  Rita had her friends; I felt like an annoying hanger-on.  In college I had Kelley, and we were very close, but a strange schism happened my senior year that makes me question our friendship.  There was Matt and Justin, and while they were there for me through the roughest, there were times that their behavior toward me bordered on the cruel.  I was always outside.
Now as an adult, I have many acquaintances, some close friends, but I still feel cheated out of some grand human relationship.  I should have formed a bond with someone in my past, but it never happened.
But out here on the periphery, I can point and laugh.  I can see others screw up and find humor in it, in the simple life lessons of failure.  I can take notes so I don't make the same mistakes.  I can guard myself against the needless scrapes and bruises of stumbling through love.  When it happens to me, it will be forever.
When it happens.  That's the thing - it's always a when, never a will.  I make damn sure of that.  I plan my life around things that will happen when I'm good enough, when I get my life together, when I reach a certain weight, when I'm thin enough.  If I really want these things, why am I not gunning for them now?
Because it's easy.  It's easy to say I shouldn't do something because I'm fat.  It's easy to blame people for not liking me because I'm fat.  My relationships with friends and lovers all end because I'm fat.  Even my parents - there's something in me that says my mom is unhinged because I'm fat, because she feels like she failed at me, at everything.  That in spite of every success of mine, my parents won't really be proud of me until I'm not fat.
It's so stupid, but it's how I feel.  It's so much easier to assign reasons to people instead of myself.  I stay fat so that I can have this excuse, so that I can give a reason why nobody likes me or should like me.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of living like this, and I want out of the only lasting relationship I've ever had:  the one with my body.
I'm 27 years old, and I've only lived in the future.  I haven't lived my past; I've guest-starred.
So there's that,

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

More Loss

Down 2 lbs.  Paperclips all around!

So there's that,

Living in Clip

I keep a chain of paperclips hanging from the corkboard at my desk, and every Tuesday morning I look at them in anticipation.
Each clip represents a lost pound.  I can't stop checking them out with some anxiety and excitement - will I add to them today?
I'm worried.  I've cut back on calories dramatically this week, mostly because I'm rarely hungry.  I've been eating 3 meals a day with no snacks.  I've had no desire for more.  Because I've consumed less than my Points allowance each day, will I still show a loss? 
I feel smaller.
I've been excercising regularly.
I know it sounds obvious that I'll lose, but I'm never sure.  The number on the scale is never low enough, so even if I lose, will I still be happy with myself?
I don't know the point of this post.  Much of what I think doesn't make sense these days.  I do know that I'm beginning to enter that mindframe that helped me lose 100 lbs a few years ago.  In a way that's good, but it's also very bad.  I easily feel guilty and resentful of the things on my plate, especially if I'm at a restaurant where I can't control my food.
A story:
When I worked in Yellowstone over the summer of 2003, my aunt and uncle and their kids came out for there vacation and to visit me.  I lost over 30 lbs at the time of their visit, and that was due to counting Points, a regimented eating schedule, and my work in a sweatshop.  They took me to dinner one night at one of the park's historic hotels.  I ordered pasta primavera.
Big mistake.
Pasta portions are out of control in restaurants, and I knew that, but I honestly thought it would be a pretty small plate.  This was a gourmet restaurant after all.  Instead I got a huge bowl of pasta - easily four servings - in an oily marinara sauce.  And?  It was wayyyyy overpriced at around 18 bucks.  So I spent my meal not fully invested in the conversation with the relatives I rarely see, but near tears as I tried to figure out how to politely clean my plate. 
I ate slowly, taking in what I considered to be one portion of pasta.  There was still close to a pound of food left, and I thought it would be rude to leave so much of a gratis meal behind.  I moved it around in the bowl, trying to make it look smaller.  I put some in my mouth, chewed, and spit it into my napkin.  I dropped the masticated wads on the floor to make room for more of them.
Crazy?  Yes.  A tad anorexy?  Uh-DOY!
Flash forward to this past Friday.  The work gals and I went over to Grand Lux to celebrate Shana's 27th birthday.  If you don't know about the Lux, it's known for it's outRAGEOUS portion sizes.  The only other time I went there I got Chicken Piccata, which was easily 6 portions of food: four whole chicken breasts over a full pound of angel hair pasta in a caper cream sauce.  It's insane.
I went to their online menu to make my plan of attack, deciding on an egg white omelet with asparagus, mushrooms, ham and a little cheese, alongside a green salad.  I ordered it with confidence, without looking back.  They brought out a whole-egg omelet, and like the picky customer I hate, I sent it back (praying that nobody put semen in it as revenge).  When I got what I wanted, I immediately microscoped in on its major fault:  GREASE.  The veggies were fresh, yet greasy.  The eggs were covered in grease.  When I moved the food around, the plate had droplets of yellow grease all over it.  I wanted to dab at it with a paper napkin, but I was in mixed company, and we only had cloth linens. 
I ate the veggies and the ham.  I had the small amount of cheese, which is the only thing they really got right.  I only ate half of the egg whites.  And there was the salad.  Afterward, we split beignets, which was my only splurge of the week.
The guilt, though, was what I left the table with.  I felt guilty over egg whites.  That's insane.
I can't change this mindset.  I have to commit to a downward trend.  I have to make this my final effort.  I have to live like this the rest of my life.
I have to get more paperclips.
So there's that,