Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
If you've met me in person, you'll know that this is a pot-calling-the-kettle statement, but bear with me.
But this guy, whom I'll call Martin Lawrence or ML for short, has been pulling me aside recently to tell me how good I look. Today he cornered me by the fax machine and told me again how good I look. He tried to make it look like he was taking me aside and talking to me in a hushed tone, but this guy's hushed tone is like...like...my metaphors suck now...well it's fucking loud. Everyone on my side of the floor heard what he was saying, and I couldn't stop it.
ML: "Laura, I just want to say that you are look-ing GOOOOOD! You change every time I see you. And you know what, girl? People are noticing! You're the talk of the College! They say, 'You know that girl with the big hips that works in education?' - That's how they know you - 'She's really losing weight!' There's one woman who says she wants to get down to your size. Do you know Jane Doe?"
Me: "No, I don't think so." (I actually did, but didn't feel comfortable talking about her.)
ML: "Well she says she would love to look like you. You could be the poster child for these big women here. They're talkin! They say, 'You know Laura?' and I say, 'Yeah what she do?' and they say you're lookin good! Now don't go making no videos..."
ML: "You just keep doin' what you doin'."
It's flattering but pretty embarrassing to have coworkers talk to me about my weight. It's not that I don't appreciate it; but it's just uncomfortable knowing that people are talking about me and judging how I look. Right now it feels nice, since I look good, but to know that I was (and still am) seen as "The Girl with the Big Hips" is a little...saddening?
I know people make opinions and references about a person based on appearance. Hell, there's a girl on my floor I call Sour Boots because she's always scowling and wearing knee-high boots. There's a woman I internally refer to as Trudy Weigle because she looks like that chick from Reno 911.
I know I'm all bottom. I'm okay with that because I have to be. But somehow having other people think of me - and openly discuss me - as the big-hipped one does not make me feel better or spectacular.
If this were an after-school special, I should probably take away from this conversation a lesson on gossip. That you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or discuss the size of its ass, the sourness of its countenance, or its uncanny likeness to a desperate cat lady on a fake police show.
I won't. I'll just be reminded that just because you don't talk to people, doesn't mean they're not talking about you.
So there's that,
Friday, March 26, 2010
Just an hour before I left the hospital, I lifted my doleful eyes to my surgeon and asked, "Doc, will I ever be able to drink coffee again?"
He looked at me like I was crazy, that out of all the questions I could ask during his final visit, this is what I posed.
"You can drink coffee today."
I wept openly. "Thank you! Thank you for saving my life."
He peeled his hand out of the tight husk of my own, and with shifting eyes excused himself. As I yelled after him - "I am forever in your debt! Thus are we inextricably linked through all time!" - he quickened his pace and broke into a jog down the hallway, out of my life.
I wiped the black streaks of mascara off my face and applied bright red lipstick thickly and forcefully around my lips, not caring about missing my lips entirely in some places.
So yeah, I can drink coffee.
So there's that,
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
- Baked potato chips, while approved by my dietician, do not make me feel good. They feel sludgy in my stomach, I can feel the pulp gurgling around down there. It's nasty. I can't even look at chips ever again.
- Packaged tuna and salmon are hit-or-miss with me. A month ago, I got some tuna stuck in my pouch, which caused much pain and dry heaving. Last week I decided to revisit packaged fish - the salmon salad went down really well for 3 days. It was the 4th day that destroyed me. I'm putting that shit back on the shelf for another time.
- I love cheese. I fucking love cheese. I want cheese to get me pregnant. Thankfully, cheese is a high-protein essential in my post-op life. Praise cheese!
- It's weird to go grocery shopping now. I want to make lots of different things for the week, but I won't be able to eat lots of things for the week. Case in point: I made meatballs 3 weeks ago. Last weekend I had to throw the final 3 out. I just couldn't eat them often enough. I've decided to really focus on the things I need (sugar-free popsicles and Activia Light yogurt), and buy other staples as needed. I don't want to be a hoarder.
- I can't look at the scale between weigh ins. That shit fucks with your mind. Example: I looked at the scale today and am apparently up 5 lbs since Tuesday. No way. There's no possible way on this diet. Will see what the scale says next week. Bet it will be awesome. Bet it will be awesome.
- I need a schedule at night to keep from going crazy. I'm a hermit. I live alone. I don't like going out on weekday nights. I could easily graze on cheese and sugar-free popsicles if I allowed it. Unfortunately, I'm bad about keeping schedules. This week's evening schedule was successful:
- Go home.
- Take multi-vitamin.
- Turn on music.
- Put on lounge-y clothes.
- Make bed, clean apartment.
- Do dishes.
- Complete the L.A. Times crossword puzzle for the day.
- Check on the interwebs.
- Watch my stories.
- Take a bath and read.
- Go to bed.
- From the list above, it's clear that I need a hobby/enriching activity. To that end, I began volunteering at a homeless shelter. Last night was the orientation, and next week I begin volunteering at their clinic on Tuesdays and their kitchen on Thursdays. I'm pretty pumped.(!)
- I'm losing patience with people. It's not because I'm more confident and tired of being rolled over all the time; it's because I'm cranky...and tired of being rolled over all the time. I'm trying to keep my tact and manners in check.
- I need to reach out to people more often. I'm a really shy person, and it's become so much worse after so many months in seclusion. I make a point to go to one social commitment per week, and try to call friends and family more often. It's difficult, but I just have to grit my teeth and get out there.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
James Pinkerton obviously isn't familiar with households like mine – those rural homes several miles off Main Street where the middle class dollars come from jobs in manufacturing, service and agriculture. On my State Road, when Americans think about health care, they think first of finance, not health.
My parents put their faith in Republicans. Unfortunately, Republicans are doing nothing to help people like them.
So there's that,
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
The habit of eating when bored is coming back to me. Fortunately, I've gotten through the rough patches by chowing on sugar-free popsicles. Unfortunately, I'm addicted to sugar-free popsicles.
I need to find ways to keep busy at home. It's too cold to walk at night after dinner, and too dark to walk right after work. I'm getting tired of taking baths, if that's even possible. For my benefit only, below is a list of ideas to keep myself busy at night:
- Dance Dance Revolution. I got the PS2 for a reason...
- Serious Housekeeping. I could spend an hour per night on some serious spot cleaning in my apartment. My bathroom and bookshelf could use some serious attention.
- Drawing. I like doing it, and I'm pretty good at it when I focus. I bought a pad, some charcoal and pastels last week. Now I have to use them.
- Blog. I could do it more, but I hate being on the computer when I'm home.
- Write. See above.
- Get a Life. Easier said than done. I hate going out on weeknights. Admittedly, this should be easier since I don't drink anymore, but still. I need to decompress after work, and I don't want to be around people or at a bar to do it.
The next step is managing the time I watch television. I never thought it would come to this, but I'm addicted to certain television shows: RuPaul's Drag Race, No Reservations, Lost, and Project Runway, to name the most important. When I'm not watching these shows, I'm watching stuff I've seen before. I'm wasting time. I need to cut back my television time to only include these shows. When I'm not watching TV I could be focusing on those other enriching activities.
Now I need to put the plan into action! I will report at the end of the week!
So there's that,
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Well...shit just got real.
Thanks to my missing buttshelf, I'm sitting farther back in my office chair. This means that I'm farther from my computer screen. That means I can't read good and stuff. I've taken to hunching over and resting my elbows on my desk, my face inches from the screen.
I don't think that's in my best interest. I'm really starting to regret this whole surgery thing...
PSYCHENAW! I'm just kidding!
Either I need to get a bolster for my chair, go see the eye doctor again for the first time since aught six, or adjust the view setting on my monitor to "geriatric." After much consideration, I've decided adjusting the screen is cheaper. And maybe I should see the doctor.
So there's that,
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I went back to work after 3 weeks, and had a hypoglycemic episode on the bus on the way to work. Totally my fault - I thought I could wait to eat until I got to work. Lesson learned - eat first thing in the morning! I've been fine ever since. I started hitting the gym again at 3 weeks, taking it easy on my upper body and core. Tomorrow I start working out full force. I haven't been tired or depressed since surgery.
Obviously not everybody can say their recovery was as good as mine. Everybody's different. My advice is start working out now; I credit my quick recovery to a regular workout regimen for the past 2 years. I work for surgeons, and that is always their advice. Do right by your body now. Also, don't be too "strong" for pain medication. They give it to you so that you can feel comfortable enough to live your life without the pain in the foreground. I took my meds regularly and was off them after 1.5 weeks. Haven't taken a pill since.
Most importantly, be positive. There's a good possibility that your recovery is gonna suck for at least a hot minute, but it will get better. Manage your expectations. I truly feel that this has been a gift for me, and I'm so happy to have done this now than to waste any more of my precious life worrying about my diet. This surgery has given me everything I need to move on and enjoy the things in my life that don't involve food!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
So far I've lost 29 lbs since my pre-op weigh-in, and 56 lbs since I began this process in May 2008. I feel awesome.
So there's that,
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
At home my mom was diet crazy, for my sake. She was thin, my sister was thin, my dad was big and muscular, but I was chubby. I associated her lame corn flakes with punishment and my grandma's Lucky Charms with reward. My grandma died when I was 9, so the food shackles went on full force after that. When I got my first job at 15, I used the first paycheck to buy Cookie Crisp cereal and Fruit Roll-Ups...all my long lost treats.
I guess I started to feel entitled, too. When I kicked ass, I would reward myself with food. Unfortunately, I kicked ass all the time. So what do you do?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
So there's that,