Monday, February 15, 2010

The Presh.

Recently I've been feeling very down.
Lots of people report feeling depressed in the weeks following surgery, and now it seems that mine has finally hit.  I hoped to keep it at bay with excercise, but apparently that's not enough.
I went off my depression meds after surgery, so I guess that didn't help either.  I've started taking them again in the past two weeks, and they've really helped me focus through the day.
But beyond pills and endorphins lies a deep sadness/rage/cynicism/hopelessness.  I just haven't felt proper.
Right now I just want to cry.  Maybe this is the aftereffect of yet another lonely Valentine's Day, but I just feel that I'll never have a successful romantic relationship.  I don't want to spend my life without a good man.  I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself, but I can't help it.  I don't understand how it's so much easier for other people to meet their partners.  What is there about me that's so unlovable?
Do I find myself unlovable?  Is that it?  I feel as successful as ever, with weight loss, work, mind.  But do I love myself?  Does anyone really love themselves?  I think we develop self-love through the eyes of those who love us.  I have a great family and a great group of friends; I feel loved and appreciated by them.  But as far as intimate, personal love, there is nothing.  There is no person that thinks of me first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  Those who did are long gone, and I'm long forgotten.
It's bleak, and I try not to think about it.  Am I doing myself a disservice by ignoring it?  By trudging along?  Some days it's hard to ignore.
I shouldn't say this, but it's true:  I do find myself unlovable.  I will until it's proven otherwise...or until I change.
So there's that,


Anonymous said...

I was single , the first time, until I was 31. Felt the same way. Nothing to with the shape of your body. I weighed less than a buck. And I fucking hated people saying it had something to do with loving yourself. So my solitude was my failure? Until I basked in the glow of my own fabulosity I would be alone? Bullshit. As if everyone who finds someone is fully self-actualized and their baggage stows neatly in the overhead bin! Don't believe that crap. It's all luck and timing, sister. You'll find him. Or better yet he'll find you. In the mean time, try to enjoy a selfish life so that when you meet someone whose needs you want to put before your own, you'll be ready for that compromise. If I could do it again I wish someone had told me to enjoy being alone more. You'll miss it when it's gone. And I am 99 percent sure that some day it will be gone for you too. You're far too delicious to remain woefully unconsumed. xoxo, from one longtime single gal

Suzie Handshake

Laura said...

oh god bless you suzie...this made my day.