Tuesday, June 30, 2009

How bad can that be?

Remember when I said I was gonna push all that "last dinner" mentality away from me?


My low carb, high protein pre-op diet starts Friday, and it's really hit me that the clock is ticking on my time with food. I have 2 days to do this:

Eat one more box of Strawberry Fruit-Roll-Ups
Get some fish and chips
Have a caramel pecan sundae
Eat a really good cupcake

Right now I'm full up on Thai food, but there's a pint of choc chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer puttin' the spurs to my imagination. I'm FULL! But I have to eat this ice cream!

This is crazy this is crazy this is crazy!

I keep telling myself that after Friday, it's just food. But now it's freedom! Or actually, it's not; I'm making myself a slave to this shit until Friday. How free is that?

If I abstain, will I always think of this as the food that got away?

So there's that,



I saw a girl today walking around in a skirt and UGG boots.  This made me worry that I'd time-traveled back to 2004, until I looked down and realized I wasn't 40 pounds thinner.
Seriously?  Why are people wearing these shoes?  IT'S SUMMERTIME AND YOU'RE WEARING SHERPA WOOL.  FUCK YOU.
These shoes make even the thinnest hoochie look like she got lymphoedema:
Am I right?
So there's that,

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Let It Be Done

I've been thinking about that earlier post on Last Meals all weekend. And I've decided I'm over it.

I'm not going to plan the next month around all those foods that I won't be able to eat for a long time; that just gives power to the food. Once I put that plan out there, I realized how crazy it really sounds.

I've been working for years on not making such a big deal out of food. By making that list, I put a deadline on my indulgences. Not good. That's like saying I'll never have those foods again, which leads to an obsession over them, which leads to resentment post-surgery when I can't eat them with the abandon to which I've become accustomed.

By planning last meals, I'm undoing what's really a lifetime of work. I already learned the hard way the lesson that banning foods will only make me crave them more. Planning meals over this next month, celebrating our last dance, will only make them more difficult to ban. That will lead me to resent the fact that I have to ban them in the first place.

Fuck that. If I come across the opportunity to enjoy these foods over the next month, then I'll take it. But for me to go out of my way for them will cost more than money.

I'm done paying those dues.

So there's that,


Saturday, June 13, 2009

I Just Got It...

When Legally Blonde came out, I was all, "Where did they get that title? Is that a play on words? A pun? Is it a play on legal bonds? Can a blonde be only so blonde to be legal, like fruit cocktail has to contain a certain percentage of fruits and syrup to be legally considered 'cocktail' by the FDA? She's a certified blonde?"

I'm serious. Shamefully serious.

I'm catching up on blogs just now, and truTV is on in the background. I was watching Forensic Files, but now one of those police footage clip shows is on. I just heard a guy say "legally blind," and it clicked.

Legally Blonde is a very clever play on the phrase legally blind. It works! Her blonde-ness led to blindness - to others, to life, to reality. She had to learn to see!

Talk about a headslapper. Jesus Christ, what a relief. Apparently the only blonde here is me.

So there's that,


PS - It was this kind of realization that led me to hate the phrase "Daddy's little squirt." Gross. It's semen. They're saying that a kid is its father's squirt of semen. Shiver. That kind of stuff belongs on a consenting adult's face and chest, not near children.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Last Supper Syndrome

I've lost 2 lbs in the past month, bringing my total loss so far to 35 lbs.

Just for the record, I'm not going to use my upcoming surgery as an excuse to quit eating right and excercising. I could very easily do that, but I like to think that once I see a number on the scale, I never want to see it again.

So today will be the last day I see 291.

My goals in the next month are two-fold: continue to eat healthy and excercise, and eat those favorite meals one last time. I know those are seemingly disparate goals, but I want to be able to say goodbye to those foods that I've taken for granted over the years - all while sticking to my daily POINTS allowance and keeping in shape. I'm not going to binge...

I've realized how much I've grown in the past year. I've addressed all those binge- and secret-eating habits that have kept me down; I just don't feel like doing that anymore. It was very easy for me to down a pint of Ben & Jerry's (as single-girl cliche that is), a whole Tombstone supreme pizza, a bag of salt and vinegar chips with dip, a bag of microwaved popcorn with Tostitos queso dip, a box of Fruit Roll-Ups, and a sleeve of Strawberry Sour Straws...in one afternoon. I'm not kidding. That was a regular full-on binge for me before I started walking for hours every weekend. I'd wake up on Sunday morning with puffy eyes and thick mouth, and I'd drink only water the rest of the day. I think that's what they call an eating disorder.

Now I can't even think of it. For one, I get full. I've learned to read my body's hunger signals, and I've had a little help from Meridia in that regard. Binges - as huge as they were - never made me feel sick because I was ALWAYS hungry. That's the ultimate reason why I'm having this surgery; to physically limit my food intake. Something's pretty wrong with you if you can eat and never feel full or sick and still continue to crave. I had to change my behavior, and now I'm going one step further and changing my body.

Surgery is the last tool in my box. After 20 chubby years of successful and unsucessful weight loss, I know my body and my mind. I couldn't have done this 10 years ago, or 6 years ago, or even one year ago. I can do this now, and I'm ready for it.

I'm in training for July 13. I want to be in the best physical condition possible before I go into that operating room. I want my recovery to go smoothly, and I can't do that if my body and my mind aren't prepared. Plus, I want the surgical team to be all, "Wow, this is the fittest fatass we've ever seen!"

I also want to have those favorite meals that I won't be able to enjoy in the same way again. I want to enjoy them, to remember them for the lovers they once were. They are as follows:

  • Mussels in wine broth from the Atwood Cafe, Hopleaf, or Bistro Margot. I can only pick one.
  • Shrimp Pad Thai and cucumber salad from Thai Aroma
  • Chicken Pad Thai, Crispy Rolls, Tom Yum Soup, Tom Ka Kai Soup from Penny's Noodle Shop
  • Kung Pao Shrimp, Chicken in Lettuce Cups from PF Changs
  • Sunday rib special from Art of Pizza
  • Whole Grain Pancakes from Golden Nugget Pancake House
  • Lemon Meringue and Red Velvet Cupcakes from Molly's Cupcakes
  • Mini BBQ Chicken Plate Lunch from Aloha Grill
  • Chicken Fajita Bol from Chipotle
  • Fish and Chips from Wilde
  • Arugula Pizza from Quartino
  • White Wine, sharp cheese, apples and bread
  • Something with Asian Slaw on the side from Bandera

I think that's it. As you can see, I'm very serious about my Diet Coke, Fresca, and Roll-Ups. My stomach will soon be a no carbonation zone. After I've healed, I hope I'll still be able to tolerate spicy food. I think I'll miss that the most.

For the record, I won't die if I don't have these foods before the surgery, but it'd be nice to try them one last time. I know that I can't let a last supper turn into a last binge.

So there's that,


Thursday, June 4, 2009

a comment on single life after college

welcome to our parents' reality - only we ain't working for our kids.

i don't think our generation will ever be satisfied. we're all snowflakes until we melt in the heat of the realworld. then we get selfish and shut down. it sucks. i guess it pays to have something to always improve - love, religion, weight, body, home, soul. it's all a distraction from the pain of being notspecial since school.

so there's that,


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Gayest Man on Earth Would Call This Over the Top

Here's a bit of random fun:

The literal version of the Total Eclipse of the Heart video. Love it. Live it.

So there's that,