I'm sorry I haven't written in the past week. I guess when you write something like that, it's kind of hard to get back into the swing of regular snarky posts.
But I definitely want to thank everyone for their kind comments. Even though I cried every time I started reading, they really lifted me up and kind of helped me clear through the clouds. Does that sound like a greeting card?
I've spent the last week taking a personal and moral inventory. I understand that my relationship with Mom is very volatile, and I've decided to distance myself from her for awhile. Even when she left me FIVE voicemails on Sunday, ostensibly to ask what I put in the pasta I made when I was visiting. (She called Manda a few days before with the same question; apparently that's her "in.") Then it escalated to threats that she would call the cops if I didn't call her back in 24 hours. I left her a voicemail late in the evening, blankly telling her the recipe secrets and that I was fine. I haven't heard from her since.
I understand that my relationship with food is very volatile. I am tired of binging and laxatives and secret eating. What I didn't mention in my last post was that after that conversation with Mom and Dad, I went to the corner store and bought a frozen Pepperidge Farms Coconut Cake (which could be a bit symbolic - it's the cake Mom always gets for birthday dinners). I devoured the entire thing in 20 minutes. It was still frozen.
To that end, I am beginning to concentrate on the reasons I overeat, with the aim to stop before I start. I've allowed myself no secret dinners alone in a restaurant. No ordering out. This weekend was probably the first weekend in AGES that I didn't go out to eat for at least one meal. I've been focusing on a food plan, so I'm not susceptible to overeating. It's a lot of work to avoid a binge, but I can honestly say that it feels a lot better than the guilt of continuing my habits.
And I'm not doing this for Mom. I'm doing this because I'm out of control, and I need to bring myself back to center. I need rigidity. I need some conviction. I need to stop blaming my problems on the past, and start fixing them for the future. If it ends in weight loss, so be it. But that's not the goal right now. The goal is some effing sanity.
So there's that,