Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Vaginasaurus Rex

Well, I guess it's time to pack up my day-of-the-week underwear because it's the end of an era.

After years of denial and fear, I have to put on my "big girls." I have to see a gynecologist.

FOR A PAP/PELVIC EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know. I'm 26 years old and have never seen a gynecologist. Big whoop.

And no, there's nothing wrong with me to warrant such an invasion of my vaginal privacy - my Velvet Lair. I'm just due for a physical and my doc thinks I should get a pap/pelv on record.

What does that even mean - "have it on record?" Do I have to have a uterine alibi for my early adult years? In case I have to face a war crime tribunal? Can't I just say it's against my religion to allow foreign objects up my shoosh? Will that make me look like some kind of Mormon bride?

All in all I think it's barbaric. I mean, some stranger's gonna crank my cerv open and poke around at the stalactites and stalagmites of my Fortress of Solitude . I'mma need a stiff drink before that happens. And a steak dinner. And maybe a good movie. And a hot smooch.

I guess it's immature to be so squeamish, but damn it, it's my first time and I'm allowed to be nervous. Sure, gynos see all kinds of vag in their career, but not me and not mine. That's why I'll campaign for a sedative drip before being exposed. Failing that, I'll just knock back a Ginadryl - 2 parts gin to 1 part Benadryl - before pulling into Cooch Poke Station.

Does anybody have any good advice for a first-timer? I haven't felt this dirty since Sunday night, when my mom said "titty" at the dinner table. *shudder*

So there's that,

Laura

4 comments:

ShanaRose said...

Haha!! (At the titty story, not your fear. Oh and also at the Velvet Lair...is that what you called it? Hilarious)
I recommend Chicago Women's Health Center for 1 specific reason. It's not the waiting room that looks like someone's Gramma's house. It's the staff. There seems to be only 1 women who does the exams and she is the most approachable nice woman I've ever had the pleasure of sitting in stirrups for. She once sat with me for over an hour talking about bisexuality and the probability of female to female passed STIs. She's uber-sweet and won't rush and make you feel all impersonalized.
The facility isn't the newest or whitest, but it is cozy and feels safe (to me anyway).

manda said...

Mind over matter. I always think, during the invasion, about what I'll be doing in an hour.

BTW, I'd love to be a fly on the wall during this; I'm sure the small-talk you do when your nervous will be hilarious!

Laura said...

but manda, do you remember when mom said "titty?" wasn't that awful?

manda said...

What???? I blocked it out of my mind soon after she said it.

Now you can see why I don't take my kids over there. haha