Thursday, November 29, 2007

Update: Lunch

I was sluggish getting out of bed this morning, so I didn't have time to pack today's lunch. My fallback plan for days like this is to get a simple turkey sub at Subway.

I can't go back to the one around the corner from my office. I don't care for the smell of the bread.

Yep. My first job was as a Subway Sandwich Artist, so 1) I know how the bread should smell; and 2) I know how to build a proper sub.

Let me digress a little here to discuss how Subway's quality has waned since I worked there - gulp - 10 years ago.

  1. Why all the bread options? It just hurts profitability by upping the inventory costs. And everybody just gets white or wheat anyway. Guess what? I'm wheat.

  2. We did the U-Gouge. Remember when the top of the bread was actually separated from the bottom? I miss those days. Now they cut the bread like they're gonna put hot dogs in there. It comes down to this: a sandwich is made from 2 pieces of bread; when I eat it, there should be a bottom and a top. I don't want to maneuver my sub to keep all the contents inside. If I wanted to work that hard, I would have went for tacos.

  3. The sandwich used to be built from the bottom, up. Now they put the meat and cheese on the top half of the bread, and the veggies on the bottom. What the heck? They want to put the sauce on before the veggies, too! I don't want to eat dry lettuce! And I don't want the meat to slide around over the top of those veggies when I bite into it. It's unstable. When they're making mine, I order them to put the meat and cheese on the bottom half, the veggies and sauce on top of that...and they act like it's the craziest thing they ever heard.

Paulie: "Meat underneath the veggies? Are you serious, lady? Cuz' I can't reverse it once I do it. Hey Kwan, get in here! This bird wants me to put the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "Say what?"

Paulie: "I said, she wants the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "On the outside???"

Paulie: "Nah, she wants the meat on the 'bottom' half of the bread."

Kwan: "You mean the side that's facing her, right?"

Paulie: "Nah, the side that's facing me."

Kwan: "Can you even do that?"

Paulie: "I dunno, but I'm gonna try."

Kwan: "I gotta see this!"

Meanwhile, the other customers start to gather near. A couple of cabbie-capped old guys in the back of the place stop playing chess to come over see what the commotion's about. A little boy in suspenders who had been trying to scam dimes from customers so he could buy a cookie runs to
the door and yells to the kids playing marbles on the street - "Hey Chuckie, Carl, Fist-Lips! You guys gotta see this! They're gonna put the meat on the bottom of this broad's hero sandwich!"

Bottom line: You always put the hamburger first on the hamburger bun, right? Subs aren't any different. Now gimme my Dagwood...tootsweet!

Digression complete.

But this bread just smelled weird. Like old freezer burn mixed with curry and cardboard. Not pleasant.

So there's that,



J said...

my favorite thing is that this blog was tagged with the term 'fist lips'

mkieper said...

Don't be disin my bread. I love the Italian Herbs and Cheese.

So do you keep it old school and not get it toasted? I ordered a BMT the other day and asked them to put the banana peppers on before toasting them, it really adds a special touch...the juice warms and runs into the meat. They didn't hesitate to do as I requested, infact I could see she was secretly going to steal my idea and make it her own. BITCH.

Let me tell you about this woman that runs the Subway in Dale. She loves men, hates women...let me repeat...loves men, hates women. I've seen this in person. She will call a man by his first name and has memorized what he is going to order...I call it sandwich sex.

It kinda reminds me of the movie Love Potion #9. Where if a woman who has taken the potion speaks to another woman it creates hostility...anyway... I think that is what has happened to her.

When I dressed up for halloween I went there in full costume and ordered my sandwich. I had written everything down that I I wouldn't have to speak...except to jump up and down and get excited....and say BANANA PEPPERS while doing so..Yes I really did this. SO it really caught her off guard...she didn't know if I was a man or a I saw a side of her that had never been shown directly to me. So before I left I took off my mask and stuck my toung out at her...HA HA, I showed her.

Laura said...

Shell, we are twins. I would get the BMT every time if I didn't feel so damn guilty about it. And guess what? I like the seafood and crab. I think Meyers secretly do, even though others denounce it as nasty.

I do get toasted. And I asked for them to put the banana peppers and onions on before toasting mine yesterday, too, and the guy looked at me again like I was nuts.

I love banana peppers. Love them. When I worked there, I'd eat them by the cupful until I got canker sores.

In a way, I'm happy they went the way of the toaster. I used to get roast beef with cheese, have them zap it in the microwave, then get hot mustard and mayo and peppers and all the goods - then I'd make them wrap it up in the paper and microwave it again for 20 seconds. When that mustard is warm, it just does something to me.

I don't deal well with women who treat men like the better customer. That's not right.

You killed me with the gorilla story!

Manda said...

Oh jeez! I cannot keep from laughing. You guys kill me!

Seafood and crab is the best. What gets me is they ask me if I want it toasted. What the hell? Does that even sound good to anybody or is it just me?

Laura, love the site; I will definitely be checking it every day.