Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Little Banalities of My Day

I've done something I never thought I'd do - I've developed a routine.

When I was a kid, I always wondered how my parents dealt with getting up at the same time every day, going to the same place of work for years and years...and years. Now I know it's just something that comes with an average adult life. I mean, it's not something that people of privelege and such do - it's something their predecessors did so they didn't have to.

For the past few days, I've been noticing the little quirks of my routine. Below is a list.

  • I make my lunch every morning at 7:03. I don't know how; that's just what the microwave clock says every time I go in the kitchen. Also, I get done with that at 7:13, every time. And every morning I get pissed at the time I wasted, because now I have about 10 minutes to put clothes & makeup on, unplug the IPod, pack the purse and get out the door to make a decent bus.

  • There's a commercial for fur coats on during the news. I always laugh at the phrase "soft beaver fur."

  • Even though I get out of the apartment early enough to catch the 148 express bus, the bus is always, always backed up about 20 minutes behind schedule and packed standing-room-only. I don't want to be the person that keeps crowding the bus (seriously, if there are people stuffed to the front door, 10 more people will try and squeeze on with every stop), so I end up walking a couple of blocks to take a bus with a longer route - invariably the 146 or 145. At least I can get a seat on one of those and not fear of falling out the doors as it careens down Lake Shore Drive.

  • I sit in the same seat every day. At the very back of the bus, with the window facing east so I can see the sun over the lake. Plus there's a little place to put my foot up.

  • When it comes time to get off the bus, the automated door always closes on me. As it does, I make this squeeking sound, "Aaheeuhh," as I squeeze out. It's like a little pig squeal. It's probably one of my favorite involuntary quirks.

  • I have to have 1.5 liters of water before I consider breakfast. I feel I'll be thrown off if I don't.

  • Breakfast is always Kashi Good Friends or other high fiber cereal, 2% milk and an orange, unless it's bagel day. Two 16 oz cups of coffee are always consumed. Coffee makes my pee smell like Sugar Smacks cereal.

  • Each day, there is always some person in the bathroom when I fart. Or I'm there when someone else farts. I stifle a giggle. Why is it so funny when someone farts in the bathroom? When it echoes into the toilet bowl, I lose it! If you're ever in a restroom and there is a fart, if you listen closely and hear someone laughing like Ernie on Sesame Street - that' s me.

  • When I wash my hands at work - and this is true of every time I wash - I soap up long enough to sing the Happy Birthday song in my head. After rinsing, I use three paper towels - no more, no less - to dry my hands.

  • If you don't know this about me, I'm a compulsive handwasher. I do it every time I come in from outside, every time I use the bathroom, every time I handle something unclean, and before I eat . At home I scrub my nails too. Likewise when I eat, I use many, many paper napkins so I can have a clean one every time I wipe my hands.

  • It's a little freakish, I know, but I can't stand having dirty hands. Can't even concentrate. If I go to a restaurant and see people working without gloves, I'll walk out. However, if I don't see the back line, I'll be fine. Out of sight out of mind. But if some little Subway kid tries to bust out my sandwich glove-free, I'll be nauseated. I once had a crush on a guy until one of my male friends told me he didn't wash his hands after going to the restroom. Gross. You can be Brad Pitt, and it's still unforgivable. Like smoking.

  • Do you think I'm weird? Get used to it.

  • I eat lunch at 1:30 every day, after drinking 1.5 liters of water. I sit in the same seat in the back of the cafeteria, reading a book and listening to the IPod so no one will bother me. Lunch time is my time, unless I make plans with someone. If there is someone else in my seat, I have a minor internal freakout, but find a similarly pleasant seat.

  • By the time 3:30 rolls around, I'm anxious to go home. I have 45 minutes left to the day. If I'm not busy, I sometimes do like JT Money and take a moment in the restroom and hope something comes from it. Word.

  • If I go to the gym after work, there's only one good elliptical machine I like. If someone else is on it, I have a little internal freakout again - especially if that person is thin and "doesn't need it as much as I do." I resign myself to the crappy elliptical machine, then when they leave, I switch horses.

  • When I get home, I can't do anything until my bed is made. The thing's right in the middle of the room, so if it's unmade, the whole place looks sloppy. After that, I invariably decide to wash the dishes and pick up around the apartment before I consider further plans.

  • I have food rules. For example, I won't drink Diet Coke unless I can have a wedge of lemon in it. Prissy, no? That little rule just keeps me from overdoing the carbonated beverages. I also won't have popcorn unless I can have a diet soda with it. I like Diet A&W or Fresca. If I find myself in McDonald's I won't get fries unless it looks like they'll come just out of the fryer. However, if I really want fries, I'll request fresh ones. If I don't get fresh ones, I'll take them back. That's the only crappy thing I do as a consumer. I once made my friend Scott stand idle at a busy McD's drive-thru so they would bring me fresh fries. I don't care for chocolate - unless nuts or caramel are involved. It's my personal belief that brownies are worthless without walnuts. I will never eat canned veggies or fruit. My grandma had loads of canned peaches in her pantry over the weekend, and I got all gaggy in there thinking of the syrup and the smushy texture of those things.

  • I like Mexican food when I watch Ugly Betty.

  • My thoughts on strollers: you're the one who chose to have a baby and put it in an enormous stroller. I didn't. You should leave me some room on the sidewalk or in the grocery store. I get really steamed if the kid is big enough to walk (I'm talking 4-5 years old) and you're still carting him around like some invalid. And don't get me started on mommy friends who walk their strollers side-by-side so no one can get through. Just because you can prove you had sex, doesn't mean I have to bow out of your path. Oral herpes is proof of sex, too, but you won't hop off the sidewalk because someone has cold sores. Let's be reasonable.

  • I don't give money to homeless people, and I don't feel guilty. Especially if they take post outside a liquor store. I had a public school education and I did something with it. So can you.

  • I'm heartless.

  • I take a long bath every night. It gives me opportunity to read and relax. I take a shower every morning. I don't have to pay for water.

  • I have to have clean feet before I get into bed.

  • I use all six pillows on my bed. I somehow build a fort throughout the night while I sleep; when I wake up, I'm cradled in pillows.

I'm single, people - I have time to think on these things. Is this sad? Maybe. But it's honest, and it kind of makes me feel good to get some of this off my chest. I encourage you to examine your odd behaviors and let me know how that goes.

So there's that,



mkieper said...

You are well on your way to becoming a full blooded Republican. I love you!

Seriously, I feel like you are my long lost twin. There are so many things that we feel the same way about it's scary. Especially the feet thing, and the pillow thing. If my pillows (4) aren't in this letter A formation when I go to bed, it doesn't work.

Ok I want to know if you feel the same way I do about scarfs, or do you only use them for warmth? Something happens to me when I put a scarf on. I feel like I should #1 be heading off to a coffee shop, to discuss the latest theory of why this earth will soon end due to excess of (add subject). Or I should hop on a VW Van to go to the nearest protest.

Here is another odd thing. I hate turtle necks, but I love the feeling of a soft scarf around my neck. What gives? Is it because I can ajust the scarf to hide one of my chins?

Anonymous said...

You seem like a deeply unpleasant person-I wouldn't be surprised if you were a Republican. You whine on and on about your problems but have no sympathy for other people and you wonder why your single. It probably has less to do with your weight than your foul personality.

Seriously, you seem like a selfish, nasty person. Nobody can help what they look like on the outside-but what you have inside seems as bad or worse.