Friday, May 11, 2007

The Life Aquatic

Hello Lovers.

So I'm a little down. That's me...I'm overjoyed and eager one week, then secret-eating the next.

I'm a little stressed. I'm in a career stalemate, and I'm torn between what's good for the company and what's good for me. I know enough to say that what's good for me is always right. I just have to make some decisions and do a lot of work.

I got take out a lot this week. Thai Aroma's broccoli beef (with cucumber salad!), Cosi's buffalo chicken sandwich (and signature salad!), and last night was the worst - 2 slices of Pizza-Ria! pizza (one veggie, one pepperoni/sausage). I don't even like pizza, and I didn't even like eating it. I was just starving, and Lane Bryant closed before I got there, and this place was right next to the train, so I did it. I ate my feelings. Just because I couldn't go to a clothing store to get something I really didn't need, I decided to spend my money on food. What a mess am I.

I was watching The Life Aquatic last night, and I always get weepy at that part where they're all in the search pod and they've just seen the jaguar shark, and Steve Zissou says, "Do you think he remembers me?" Then he starts weeping and everybody puts their hands on him.

I think like that sometimes. I've met so many people in my life, and I reflect on them quite often. I wonder, though if any of those people (especially the men) think back on me. I'm a passionate person, I think there's a reason for everything, and I try to take every experience and put it in my files. I fill my time with work and exercise and comedy, but the time that's empty of those things is full of thought on what I've done and what I'm doing. These thoughts come in the night as I try to pull myself toward sleep - the primetime for self-reflection. It's also the time of the day when I feel most vulnerable and lost. Would this change if I had someone's arms around me, a neck to nuzzle into as we float to slumber? Or would I always be thinking, "Do you think he remembers me? Do you think this one here cares about me like no one else has?"

I'm a real person - I'm prone to sappy blogs. The person I am is scarred, but hopeful. There are times I'm positive, and times I'm cynical. I don't want to chase love or marriage by any stretch, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it to happen at some point. I'm still holding out for that one great person, and I can only hope that my patience and perserverance will be rewarded.

In the meantime, I need to be true to myself and my goals. Weight loss has always been my major focus in life...and that could very well be part of the problem. I don't want to stop losing, but I worry that all I think about is portion control and exercise; what will I have to offer when I finally reach my goals? What good is a perfect body if I don't know who the fuck I am?

I have a pretty good idea.

So there's that,


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