Friday, March 28, 2008

A Crime Most Heinous

I was eating my favorite, amazing salad for lunch today - the "Lo-Cal" Salad from Pompei, an Italian restaurant that I can only unjustly describe as "cafeteria-style."
 
What's so great about this salad?  Well...
 
  • It's huge.  YOOOOGE.  Falls off the plate when I try to cut it into manageable chunks.
  • Spring Mix and Romaine lettuces - not iceberg (boo), nut just romaine (blah), but the pretty green and red lettuces, too.
  • Big, grilled veggies:  thick tomato slices, up to FIVE spears of asparagus, 3 thick potato slices.
  • Salty kalamata olives
  • The lemony, red-wine-vinegary, tangy dressing.  It has too much oil in it, but I skim it from the top as best I can, then dip veggies.  But this salad is so good, it barely requires 1/4 of the dressing they give you.
  • Grilled chicken that's kind of dry, but still good and grilly.  It's the kind of chicken that makes you think, "It's dry, but at least I know it's chicken and not hacked-up-and-plastered-back-together chicken parts (read:  McDonald's, Subway).
  • One hard-boiled egg.
This thing...it's just beautiful.  It's what a restaurant salad should be - lots of veggies, no cheese, no croutons.  In fact, I personally feel ripped off by the Caesar Salads of the world.  Just romaine lettuce, croutons, cheese and dressing?  Oh yeah, big salad.  BIG health food.  It's practically a fucking deconstructed lettuce sandwich.
 
Why don't you get some balls, Caesar Salad? 
 
Caesar Salad?  More like, "tosses the salad."
 
Et tu, Brute?  Well, I'd fucking stab you, too, you pussy-ass excuse for a salad.  And I wouldn't do it with a fork.
 
Man!
 
Anyway...what was my point?  Oh yeah.
 
While I was eating this salad, I considered the grilled chicken and the hardboiled egg.  I was eating both the mama and the baby.  Isn't that perverse?
 
Now I'm no vegetarian, and I never will be, even if it comes to light that all meat is made of people.  Like, what if unwanted people are being put through a machine to come out looking like chicken parts and delicious pork tenderloin?  What if all them second-borns in China who aren't fit for the Olympics are put into spring rolls?  Delicious spring rolls?  And The Machine has been feeding us this big line of bullshit for years that "beef comes from cows, and cows look like this..."  How 'bout, "beef comes from the forgotten, housebound elderly."
 
No, I wouldn't believe that.  Because it's truly...unbelievable.  My imagination is farting or something today.
 
But anyway, what kind of world is this where a person can eat both mother and child on the same plate?  Granted, the chicken I was enjoying probably wasn't the parent of this egg, but that didn't stop me from thinking it.  I must be some kind of blessed to be able to enjoy two life-stages of beast in one moment.
 
Slide a little piece of boiled egg white onto my fork, then some (dry) chicken breast, then asparagus.  It's truly a top-of-the-food-chain experience.
 
So there's that,
 
Laura
 

2 comments:

ShanaRose said...

I believe you mean the mother and chick.

(snarf.)

Laura said...

Shana gave me a cookie!