Yeah...yeah.

Hello Lovers,

I want to note immediately that I did not weigh in on Memorial Day weekend simply because I was out of town and away from my usual scale; add to that the fact that I ONLY weigh in on Saturdays. Let's face it: I can only bring myself to the scale one day a week, and even that is pushing it. So I will weigh myself in a few days and see where I'm at. I remain optimistic; I can feel some good muscle tone, and my waist looks a lot smoother.

I wanted to take this time to respond to Megan and Brian's recent passages about the "Scientific Analysis of Attraction." My answer is no surprise: I totally agree with Megan.

I consider myself a serial dater. I'm fairly confident enough to sidle up to a gentleman and chat him up - especially when I have a few sips of spirit in me. Here's a hint: This One is a lightweight in the alcohol department. Refer to Easter weekend 2005 for my last heavy drunk. That said, I don't need alcohol to feel attractive. I need drugs.

I kid. And no, it never ends.

But I have to say I'm proud of the eye candy I pick up: Rigoberto the dashing, silver-tongued water delivery guy; Justin, the self-employed trader; Chad, the tattooed Irish punk-lover. There are a bunch of forgotten ones in between, but these I consider my conquests. I saw them, I wanted them, I went out with them. I call that a confidence boost.

Get this - none of these guys panned out. I was taken for a ride by all of them. Rigo had a FIANCE he didn't tell me about for weeks; Justin needed to "concentrate on finding a better job"; Chad just stopped calling after 5 dates (I actually fear he's dead because he was more into me than I was into him).

It's easy to see that I prize looks, but to my defense, I only note their attractiveness because I'm surprised they even gave me the time of day. However, this seeming luck is only outweighed by the fact that none of them stuck with me.

I'm not an easy girl. I don't believe in casual sex. Most of these guys did, and I know that's why nothing happened. I think attractive guys sometimes go for fat chicks because they think we're easy because we have low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem, but I'm not stupid; I won't let that put me in the position to pick up some disease in this city full of casual one-night standers.

In all fairness, though, I can't play pious to the One-Night Standard; I also have a nasty habit of keeping worthy men at a safe emotional distance. I lost two amazing boyfriends to that very same problem. Now they're married to women whom they tout "let themselves be loved".

That's not how I roll...yet.

Maybe that next level will come with massive weight loss. Maybe it will come with holding out for the right person, the right moment, the right atmosphere. Maybe it will come when I least expect it. I know that I'm a romantic, and I'm not going to give up on love.

But if I see one more over-tanned, under-dressed, trixee-ass bitch nagging out her attentive, gorgeous boyfriend for what he's wearing or what he's not saying, I'm gonna start throwing fists. Men of the world, you can be treated better than how your trophy-girlfriend looks.

Take it from me:



So there's that,

Laura

The Namesake

Hello Lovers,

I saw an amazing movie this weekend - The Namesake - and I think you should see it, even if I don't know you. I cried a lot, and I want to show it to everyone I know. It's about family, filial piety (a child's reverence of parents), and growing up different and being bitter about it. It's just...I want to hug my family after watching it. See it.

After a week of spotty dieting and hard exercise, I'm down 2.8 pounds - this brings my total contest weight loss to 7.8 lbs. Good stuff.

The trouble with a surprise loss after a naughty week is that I assume I can continue to be a naughty dieter and still lose something. This kind of thinking promotes a huge setback in me by not working up to my dieting potential.

Four years ago when I lost 100 pounds, the weight came off fairly easily. I averaged a loss of 5 pounds per week. I lost 60 pounds in the first three months, and I credit that to working in a sweatshop laundry factory in Montana. I lost 20 more pounds in August to December when my senior year of college began, and the other twenty melted away during the entire year of 2004. I started the Great Regain in May of 2005, when I moved into my first Chicago apartment, too far from Curves and too close to good restaurants.

Looking back, I guess it took a long time to lose that weight - about a year and a half. It's just taking me longer to get going. I recommited to a diet and excercise routine in January, and I've only lost 20 lbs. I doesn't compare at all with my prior weight loss successes. I guess I should just be happy that I'm losing. I just need to kick it into gear so I can blow these other fatties out of the water.

I made a banana split yesterday with homemade strawberry sauce and low fat ice cream. It was heaven.

So there's that,

Laura

Cream of Hot Dog Soup & Trio Deep Salad

Hello Lovers,

I'm sorry to have been away from the keys all week, but I've been keeping myself busy. For update purposes, I guess I should say I lost 1 pound last week. That's good, but after two weeks of 4 pound losses, it's a bit of a downer. I don't expect high hopes this week either because I haven't been the best of eaters, and I haven't been popping those pills on schedule.

I had a cream puff today. It was worth it.

I really wanted to mention some funny things about where I work. It's a catering company, and we own a restaurant and bar in the building as well. Every day, I get comped breakfast and lunch and snacks, so I can't complain; however, this restaurant is like none I've ever experienced. It's quirky, and it's driving me insane.

I'll start with the blackboard we use for posting daily specials. All of our staff is Mexican, and that explains this error: At the top of the board in chalk it says "Today Special." They pick these phrases up by ear and write down what they hear, so instead of Today's Special, we get the above. Other aural errors include but are not limited to: Cream of Sparagus Soup, Turkey with Cramberry Sauce and today's special, Trio Deep Salad.

When I went down at 11 today, I saw that and thought, "WTF is Trio Deep Salad? Is it a deep sea salad with 3 fish products on it? That's not uncommon. What's missing in this phrase?" So I go over to the salad station, and there sits a salad with mounds of tabbouleh, hummus and baba gannouj, served with crackers and dressed veggies. Then it occurred to me - Trio DIP Salad. How silly am I?

So as I am wont to do, I went to correct the blackboard, and Javier our "pastry chef" got all snotty with me. That's my job; I'm damage control. What do our customers think when they see these things? I know what they think - I hear them dissing our product in the elevators.

And for good reason. Yesterday boasted a special for Cream of Italian Sausage Soup. I was hungry after my salad, and I needed the calories, so I got a small cup. Floating on top of a creamy broth was my "Italian Sausage": A cocktail weenie, cut on the bias. The soup was full of cocktail weenies. They didn't taste like sausage, they didn't taste like Polish, they tasted like hot dogs. There it was - Cream of Hot Dog Soup.

This just goes along with other infamous soup specials of the past.

Fish Ball Soup
Pork Ball Soup
Seafood and Vegetable (whole stir-fry veggies with whole calamari, tentacles and all)
Meat Chili
Cream of Radish

This is my monkeyville, Pitko. This is my monkeyville.

So there's that,

Laura

The Life Aquatic

Hello Lovers.

So I'm a little down. That's me...I'm overjoyed and eager one week, then secret-eating the next.

I'm a little stressed. I'm in a career stalemate, and I'm torn between what's good for the company and what's good for me. I know enough to say that what's good for me is always right. I just have to make some decisions and do a lot of work.

I got take out a lot this week. Thai Aroma's broccoli beef (with cucumber salad!), Cosi's buffalo chicken sandwich (and signature salad!), and last night was the worst - 2 slices of Pizza-Ria! pizza (one veggie, one pepperoni/sausage). I don't even like pizza, and I didn't even like eating it. I was just starving, and Lane Bryant closed before I got there, and this place was right next to the train, so I did it. I ate my feelings. Just because I couldn't go to a clothing store to get something I really didn't need, I decided to spend my money on food. What a mess am I.

I was watching The Life Aquatic last night, and I always get weepy at that part where they're all in the search pod and they've just seen the jaguar shark, and Steve Zissou says, "Do you think he remembers me?" Then he starts weeping and everybody puts their hands on him.

I think like that sometimes. I've met so many people in my life, and I reflect on them quite often. I wonder, though if any of those people (especially the men) think back on me. I'm a passionate person, I think there's a reason for everything, and I try to take every experience and put it in my files. I fill my time with work and exercise and comedy, but the time that's empty of those things is full of thought on what I've done and what I'm doing. These thoughts come in the night as I try to pull myself toward sleep - the primetime for self-reflection. It's also the time of the day when I feel most vulnerable and lost. Would this change if I had someone's arms around me, a neck to nuzzle into as we float to slumber? Or would I always be thinking, "Do you think he remembers me? Do you think this one here cares about me like no one else has?"

I'm a real person - I'm prone to sappy blogs. The person I am is scarred, but hopeful. There are times I'm positive, and times I'm cynical. I don't want to chase love or marriage by any stretch, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it to happen at some point. I'm still holding out for that one great person, and I can only hope that my patience and perserverance will be rewarded.

In the meantime, I need to be true to myself and my goals. Weight loss has always been my major focus in life...and that could very well be part of the problem. I don't want to stop losing, but I worry that all I think about is portion control and exercise; what will I have to offer when I finally reach my goals? What good is a perfect body if I don't know who the fuck I am?

I have a pretty good idea.

So there's that,

Laura

I'm a Loser, Baby!

Hello Lovers,

For those of you who think diet pills are a myth, here's something for you:

4 POUNDS!

DA DA DAAAH, DA DA DAAAHHHH! TONY LING!

That last bit was a college reference only a few of you will get. But the fact remains that I lost 4 pounds this week, bitches. And I did it with Hoodia and water pills. And diet and excercise, but mostly pills. Whew! Success feels good.

This is the first loss that will count toward the weight loss challenge, but I've been working at this for 3 months now, and these 4 little pounds bring my total loss to 17.8 pounds. Feel that.

I grant myself one cheat day a week and that day was Saturday. I had two helpings of soup from SoupBox (Lobster Bisque mixed with Clam Chowder - nummers!), 16 oz Jamba Juice (Berry Fulfilling with Fiber), Movie Theater Nachos (Go see Hot Fuzz!), and Cinco de Mayo Nachos from the questionable Mexican place 'round the block. And oatmeal scotchies. And Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked...Light Frozen Yogurt. And yes, it was worth it.

Now I'm back in the groove and feeling great! Let's shoot for another 4 pounds next week!

...and let's not forget that The Second Helping posted it's first installment of the weight loss challenge videos:

So there's that,

Laura

My Goodies

Hello Lovers,

I've been doing swimmingly on portion control in the last 2 weeks. I made a southwest chicken pasta salad last night that was heavenly, and I was washing dishes I thought,

"Why don't I go ahead and make up those Oatmeal Scotchies I have all the ingredients for?"

And I did. If you don't know, an oatmeal scotchie is the best cookie known to man. Oatmeal cookie dough with butterscotch morsels (so much better than chocolate) and walnuts. Well, I add walnuts because I think they make every dessert better. Yummers, yummers x 10. You don't see that on your average multiplication table.

The neat thing though, is that I made them, and ate ONE. I normally wrap them up to take to work, but I hate my job right now, so I'm not going to bless anyone with cookies. I thought I'd give myself a little spiritual test: Keep the big plate on my counter and see how well I can abstain from eating them all.

Talk about a tempest in a teapot-shaped cookie jar!

I'll keep you posted on my goodies, my goodies, my goodies - not my goodies.

So there's that,

Laura

Simply the Best!

Hello Lovers,

If you look at my title and think of Ricky Gervais as David Brent in jeans, undershirt and baseball cap dancing out of the room after a cheesy motivational speech...then I've done my job.

I, however, look at the title and am reminded of myself, this morning, giving my own sort of motivational speech.

I took out the light gray pants that I bought in January. They were "my size" when I bought them, but they weren't made of overly stretchy material. After coming home from the store and trying them on, I realized I needed to lose a lot of weight, so the next day, I started excercising again.



Three months later, I'm down nearly 15 lbs and these pants fit like a dream, like a summer wind encapsulating my thighs. I love these pants, and I love me.

...because I'm simply the best. Better than all the rest. Even Brian Henning.

So there's that,

Laura