Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Elastoplast Stuffiness

I got strawberry cream cheese up my nose this morning.
It's bagel day, and I toasted my tasty treat to nigh blackness.  When I went to take a bite out of my schmeared vittle, the dough didn't give so easily and I ended up flipping the gooey side all up on my face.  I turned off my computer screen to look at my messy face in the reflection.  Sure enough, I had pink cheese all over my nose, my cheeks, and my upper lip.  If someone would have walked in on me in that time of great slothful embarrassment - Dr. Sachdeva! - I would have died of shame.
I wiped myself up as best I could, but there was cheese still stuck up my right nostril.  I had to twist a napkin into a spire so I could swab out my nose.  It just made it worse - there is still cheese up there.  I can feel it sticking to my nose hair.  I can smell it faintly.  When I breathe in, there is a brief waterlogged sensation, like I'm drowing.

Drowning in cheese.  I'm such a fat girl.  Isn't this an "a-ha" moment, if ever there was one?
I had to get that off my chest because it was so funny and pathetic.  A big slice out of my indulgent cheesecake life.
I occasionally get these junk mail notifications on my office email account.  They instruct me to log on to an outside website to sift through the mess, making sure emails from friends and relatives aren't stopped by the junk filter.
Truth is, I look forward to checking out my junk folder...because what the hell are these spam messages?  And what web domains are they writing from?
  • someone from on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
  • someone from on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
  • 4 more messages on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
  • someone named "circumfusing" on the subject of "talons placeless"
  • someone from on the subject of "elastoplast stuffiness"
  • someone named "overoptimism" on the subject of "parrakeet symplectic"
Being my usual inquisitive self, I Googled, and the two most interesting entries were titled "Contact Information and Employee Directory" followed by strings of silly words:  bulrush's Fuller joke's submitting cutest bulky posseas...rekindle misjudgments suburbs dray elaborating neglects primping...
I know it's all just spammer code, but man, I wish there was a bigger conspiracy.  What if it's text from an alien newsletter, a headline screaming "REKINDLE MISJUDGMENTS, SUBURBS!" like a call to arms.  Or an advertisement, "FULLER JOKE'S SUBMITTING CUTEST BULKY POSSEAS!"  A get-yours-today kind of thing.
What a world.  Who would have imagined 50 years ago that people would take the time to create programs that generate spam in such astounding bulk?  Who thinks of these things, and why? 
What ways we have of complicating the simplest things.
So there's that,


mkieper said...

Funny that you wrote about this today. I cleaned out my spam mail box today. I haven't been there since May 8th, and I had 256 messages. Pretty much all of them were spam, a few were jokes from friends...all I just deleted them. Sorry, I don't have time for word jokes. I mucshed have pictures with words to stimulate my mind.

The one Subject line that I bursted out laughing, and if I did have cheese stuck up in my would have flew out. It was entitled "Whip Your Pecker into Shape".

I can remember when we first got our email account back in 1998, and seeing spam saying "Hey Mike, miss's my pic" I would think...that cheating bastard. I quickly found out what spam was.

Laura said...

i hope you confronted him and ended up with egg on your face. literally.

kemibe said...

Hi Laura,

It is interesting how we are conditioned to feel shame about making a mess of ourselves with food, while walking around with pantlegs covered in mud or showing up at work with a shirt or blouse on inside out (and I have done this) is, while a trifle embarrassing, not nearly so humiliating. People who have off-color relationships with food are disgusted by any deviation from a perfect, clean trip from plate to stomach because reminders of its substance, textures and mass are noisome.

I have nothing useful to say, really, but I did notice you are in the habit of doing battle with the BFB folk (meaning that you don't toe the weight-loss-is-unconditionally-bad party line). Understand that fat acceptance as you seek it and fat acceptance as they warp it is like the difference between a spiritually naive person seeking a Higher Power and a wackaloon fundamentalist who rants about evolution, premarital sex, and demonic scientists without ever having cracked a book (often including the Bible). In other words, they are nuts, they are angry, and they are in serious denial. At some level they know this, which is why they strictly control the comments section: it's more comfortable to bleat in a vacuum than deal with reality, and easier to maintain delusions that way. I feel bad that they feel bad, but they're doing no one any good with their pitiful yowling.

But, good for you in handling them diplomatically enough to not have them calling for your ouster, yet.