I got strawberry cream cheese up my nose this morning.
It's bagel day, and I toasted my tasty treat to nigh blackness. When I went to take a bite out of my schmeared vittle, the dough didn't give so easily and I ended up flipping the gooey side all up on my face. I turned off my computer screen to look at my messy face in the reflection. Sure enough, I had pink cheese all over my nose, my cheeks, and my upper lip. If someone would have walked in on me in that time of great slothful embarrassment - Dr. Sachdeva! - I would have died of shame.
I wiped myself up as best I could, but there was cheese still stuck up my right nostril. I had to twist a napkin into a spire so I could swab out my nose. It just made it worse - there is still cheese up there. I can feel it sticking to my nose hair. I can smell it faintly. When I breathe in, there is a brief waterlogged sensation, like I'm drowing.
Drowning in cheese. I'm such a fat girl. Isn't this an "a-ha" moment, if ever there was one?
I had to get that off my chest because it was so funny and pathetic. A big slice out of my indulgent cheesecake life.
I occasionally get these junk mail notifications on my office email account. They instruct me to log on to an outside website to sift through the mess, making sure emails from friends and relatives aren't stopped by the junk filter.
Truth is, I look forward to checking out my junk folder...because what the hell are these spam messages? And what web domains are they writing from?
- someone from somnambulist.com on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
- someone from cucinavivace.com on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
- 4 more messages on the subject of (indecipherable Russian characters)
- someone named "circumfusing" on the subject of "talons placeless"
- someone from preference.bz on the subject of "elastoplast stuffiness"
- someone named "overoptimism" on the subject of "parrakeet symplectic"
Being my usual inquisitive self, I Googled somnambulist.com, and the two most interesting entries were titled "Contact Information and Employee Directory" followed by strings of silly words: bulrush's Fuller joke's submitting cutest bulky posseas...rekindle misjudgments suburbs dray elaborating neglects primping...
I know it's all just spammer code, but man, I wish there was a bigger conspiracy. What if it's text from an alien newsletter, a headline screaming "REKINDLE MISJUDGMENTS, SUBURBS!" like a call to arms. Or an advertisement, "FULLER JOKE'S SUBMITTING CUTEST BULKY POSSEAS!" A get-yours-today kind of thing.
What a world. Who would have imagined 50 years ago that people would take the time to create programs that generate spam in such astounding bulk? Who thinks of these things, and why?
What ways we have of complicating the simplest things.
So there's that,