Update: Lunch

I was sluggish getting out of bed this morning, so I didn't have time to pack today's lunch. My fallback plan for days like this is to get a simple turkey sub at Subway.

I can't go back to the one around the corner from my office. I don't care for the smell of the bread.

Yep. My first job was as a Subway Sandwich Artist, so 1) I know how the bread should smell; and 2) I know how to build a proper sub.

Let me digress a little here to discuss how Subway's quality has waned since I worked there - gulp - 10 years ago.

1. Why all the bread options? It just hurts profitability by upping the inventory costs. And everybody just gets white or wheat anyway. Guess what? I'm wheat.



2. We did the U-Gouge. Remember when the top of the bread was actually separated from the bottom? I miss those days. Now they cut the bread like they're gonna put hot dogs in there. It comes down to this: a sandwich is made from 2 pieces of bread; when I eat it, there should be a bottom and a top. I don't want to maneuver my sub to keep all the contents inside. If I wanted to work that hard, I would have went for tacos.



3. The sandwich used to be built from the bottom, up. Now they put the meat and cheese on the top half of the bread, and the veggies on the bottom. What the heck? They want to put the sauce on before the veggies, too! I don't want to eat dry lettuce! And I don't want the meat to slide around over the top of those veggies when I bite into it. It's unstable. When they're making mine, I order them to put the meat and cheese on the bottom half, the veggies and sauce on top of that...and they act like it's the craziest thing they ever heard.

Paulie: "Meat underneath the veggies? Are you serious, lady? Cuz' I can't reverse it once I do it. Hey Kwan, get in here! This bird wants me to put the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "Say what?"

Paulie: "I said, she wants the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "On the outside???"

Paulie: "Nah, she wants the meat on the 'bottom' half of the bread."

Kwan: "You mean the side that's facing her, right?"

Paulie: "Nah, the side that's facing me."

Kwan: "Can you even do that?"

Paulie: "I dunno, but I'm gonna try."

Kwan: "I gotta see this!"

Meanwhile, the other customers start to gather near. A couple of cabbie-capped old guys in the back of the place stop playing chess to come over see what the commotion's about. A little boy in suspenders who had been trying to scam dimes from customers so he could buy a cookie runs to
the door and yells to the kids playing marbles on the street - "Hey Chuckie, Carl, Fist-Lips! You guys gotta see this! They're gonna put the meat on the bottom of this broad's hero sandwich!"

Bottom line: You always put the hamburger first on the hamburger bun, right? Subs aren't any different. Now gimme my Dagwood...tootsweet!

Digression complete.

But this bread just smelled weird. Like old freezer burn mixed with curry and cardboard. Not pleasant.

So there's that,

Laura

The Little Banalities of My Day

I've done something I never thought I'd do - I've developed a routine.

When I was a kid, I always wondered how my parents dealt with getting up at the same time every day, going to the same place of work for years and years...and years. Now I know it's just something that comes with an average adult life. I mean, it's not something that people of privelege and such do - it's something their predecessors did so they didn't have to.

For the past few days, I've been noticing the little quirks of my routine. Below is a list.

• I make my lunch every morning at 7:03. I don't know how; that's just what the microwave clock says every time I go in the kitchen. Also, I get done with that at 7:13, every time. And every morning I get pissed at the time I wasted, because now I have about 10 minutes to put clothes & makeup on, unplug the IPod, pack the purse and get out the door to make a decent bus.


• There's a commercial for fur coats on during the news. I always laugh at the phrase "soft beaver fur."


• Even though I get out of the apartment early enough to catch the 148 express bus, the bus is always, always backed up about 20 minutes behind schedule and packed standing-room-only. I don't want to be the person that keeps crowding the bus (seriously, if there are people stuffed to the front door, 10 more people will try and squeeze on with every stop), so I end up walking a couple of blocks to take a bus with a longer route - invariably the 146 or 145. At least I can get a seat on one of those and not fear of falling out the doors as it careens down Lake Shore Drive.


• I sit in the same seat every day. At the very back of the bus, with the window facing east so I can see the sun over the lake. Plus there's a little place to put my foot up.


• When it comes time to get off the bus, the automated door always closes on me. As it does, I make this squeeking sound, "Aaheeuhh," as I squeeze out. It's like a little pig squeal. It's probably one of my favorite involuntary quirks.


• I have to have 1.5 liters of water before I consider breakfast. I feel I'll be thrown off if I don't.


• Breakfast is always Kashi Good Friends or other high fiber cereal, 2% milk and an orange, unless it's bagel day. Two 16 oz cups of coffee are always consumed. Coffee makes my pee smell like Sugar Smacks cereal.


• Each day, there is always some person in the bathroom when I fart. Or I'm there when someone else farts. I stifle a giggle. Why is it so funny when someone farts in the bathroom? When it echoes into the toilet bowl, I lose it! If you're ever in a restroom and there is a fart, if you listen closely and hear someone laughing like Ernie on Sesame Street - that' s me.


• When I wash my hands at work - and this is true of every time I wash - I soap up long enough to sing the Happy Birthday song in my head. After rinsing, I use three paper towels - no more, no less - to dry my hands.


• If you don't know this about me, I'm a compulsive handwasher. I do it every time I come in from outside, every time I use the bathroom, every time I handle something unclean, and before I eat . At home I scrub my nails too. Likewise when I eat, I use many, many paper napkins so I can have a clean one every time I wipe my hands.


• It's a little freakish, I know, but I can't stand having dirty hands. Can't even concentrate. If I go to a restaurant and see people working without gloves, I'll walk out. However, if I don't see the back line, I'll be fine. Out of sight out of mind. But if some little Subway kid tries to bust out my sandwich glove-free, I'll be nauseated. I once had a crush on a guy until one of my male friends told me he didn't wash his hands after going to the restroom. Gross. You can be Brad Pitt, and it's still unforgivable. Like smoking.


• Do you think I'm weird? Get used to it.


• I eat lunch at 1:30 every day, after drinking 1.5 liters of water. I sit in the same seat in the back of the cafeteria, reading a book and listening to the IPod so no one will bother me. Lunch time is my time, unless I make plans with someone. If there is someone else in my seat, I have a minor internal freakout, but find a similarly pleasant seat.


• By the time 3:30 rolls around, I'm anxious to go home. I have 45 minutes left to the day. If I'm not busy, I sometimes do like JT Money and take a moment in the restroom and hope something comes from it. Word.


• If I go to the gym after work, there's only one good elliptical machine I like. If someone else is on it, I have a little internal freakout again - especially if that person is thin and "doesn't need it as much as I do." I resign myself to the crappy elliptical machine, then when they leave, I switch horses.


• When I get home, I can't do anything until my bed is made. The thing's right in the middle of the room, so if it's unmade, the whole place looks sloppy. After that, I invariably decide to wash the dishes and pick up around the apartment before I consider further plans.


• I have food rules. For example, I won't drink Diet Coke unless I can have a wedge of lemon in it. Prissy, no? That little rule just keeps me from overdoing the carbonated beverages. I also won't have popcorn unless I can have a diet soda with it. I like Diet A&W or Fresca. If I find myself in McDonald's I won't get fries unless it looks like they'll come just out of the fryer. However, if I really want fries, I'll request fresh ones. If I don't get fresh ones, I'll take them back. That's the only crappy thing I do as a consumer. I once made my friend Scott stand idle at a busy McD's drive-thru so they would bring me fresh fries. I don't care for chocolate - unless nuts or caramel are involved. It's my personal belief that brownies are worthless without walnuts. I will never eat canned veggies or fruit. My grandma had loads of canned peaches in her pantry over the weekend, and I got all gaggy in there thinking of the syrup and the smushy texture of those things.


• I like Mexican food when I watch Ugly Betty.


• My thoughts on strollers: you're the one who chose to have a baby and put it in an enormous stroller. I didn't. You should leave me some room on the sidewalk or in the grocery store. I get really steamed if the kid is big enough to walk (I'm talking 4-5 years old) and you're still carting him around like some invalid. And don't get me started on mommy friends who walk their strollers side-by-side so no one can get through. Just because you can prove you had sex, doesn't mean I have to bow out of your path. Oral herpes is proof of sex, too, but you won't hop off the sidewalk because someone has cold sores. Let's be reasonable.


• I don't give money to homeless people, and I don't feel guilty. Especially if they take post outside a liquor store. I had a public school education and I did something with it. So can you.


• I'm heartless.


• I take a long bath every night. It gives me opportunity to read and relax. I take a shower every morning. I don't have to pay for water.


• I have to have clean feet before I get into bed.


• I use all six pillows on my bed. I somehow build a fort throughout the night while I sleep; when I wake up, I'm cradled in pillows.

I'm single, people - I have time to think on these things. Is this sad? Maybe. But it's honest, and it kind of makes me feel good to get some of this off my chest. I encourage you to examine your odd behaviors and let me know how that goes.

So there's that,

Laura

Never Gonna Give You Up

One thing I like about my nutrition plan is that I can eat a bagel and schmear for breakfast and I won't die. It's got my 2 starch & my 1 fat.

Wednesday is bagel day at work. One bagel, fifty cents, "and all the philly steaks you can eat. Back in school we used to dream about this everyday..." Sorry, I drifted off into Motown Philly. But when you're on a diet that can be restrictive, it's nice to be able to "treat" yourself to something that's not really breaking the rules.

Some call it hump day; I call it blueberry-bagel-with-whipped-strawberry-cream-cheese day. And I can't resist it. I get it crispy toasted, pour myself some Wintry Blend coffee from my thermos (oh yeah, I'm one of those now), and go through my work for the day.

With these little office pleasures, some would say I'm living in a Dilbert cartoon. To those I say, "You should try it sometime." Because if Dilbert's wrong, then baby, I don't wanna be right.

So there's that,

Laura

Not Only Is It An All Around Beautiful Name, It Is Also a Living Tribute

At my weigh-in last night, I found I lost SEVEN (7) pounds since starting the nutrition plan last Thursday! I think that's a huge success considering the snacking and drinking I'd done over the 4-day holiday. I'm fairly sure if I get some good excercise in this week, and focus in on my daily food goals, I can lose 10 pounds for next week. Watch me!

So in celebration of this feat, quoted below is a scene from "The Seven" episode of Seinfeld. Enjoy!

GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.

SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you.

GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.

SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.

GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?

SUSAN: Yeah.

George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.

SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?

GEORGE: No, Seven.

SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?

GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...

Susan scoffs.

GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.

SUSAN: I don't think so.

GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?

SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.

GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.

SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!

GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!

SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!

GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!

So there's that,

Laura

Update: Pantyhose

Last week I complained about my thighs tearing holes into new pantyhose. I ordered the largest sizes offered by avenue.com and lanebryant.com, and so far the Avenue tights have arrived. Both pairs fit beautifully, with the crotch in the right place. They're actually a little big!

I think I soon may be an addict; problem is, I have to get them online when I used to be able to run to Walgreen's in a pinch. Oh well.

So there's that,

Laura

Thanksgiving Highlights

In order of occurrence:

Thursday 11/22

• 7 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. - Enjoyed a blissful ride with Uncle Bill and Aunt Paula from Chicago to Jasper, IN. Discussed my new job, why I left the old job, dieting, and general hilarity. My Brussels sprout dish leaked a little on the backseat of their new Jeep.
• 12:30 p.m. - In my rush to drop off my dishes in Grandma's kitchen and run out to clean the Jeep's upholstery of sprout evidence, I snuck in a hurried hug with Grandma Kavanaugh who was seated in the kitchen. In response to her "Tyrannosaurus Rex" arms that hung limply against my chest as I hugged her, I said, "Grandma you've got to hug me better than that!" To which she replied, "Oh well honey, I can barely get my arms around you." As I rushed out of the room to get to the car I said, "That's because I'm obese!" The subtle weight criticism begins.
• 1:30 p.m. - In a rare Norman Rockwell episode, all the women in the house - Me, Mom, Sally & Paula - gather around for what could be one of the last times we can watch, help, and learn how Grandma makes her homemade yeast rolls from a recipe she has memorized all her life. Moment is ruined when Micromanager Sally gets anxious and flustered when Grandma strays from the recipe that Sally transcribed from years past. Mom and I share knowing glances.
• 3:20 p.m. - I put my green bean casserole in the oven to warm up.
• 3:40 p.m. - I add the fried onions to the top of the casserole and crank the heat up on the oven so everything will be done by dinner at 4:00.
• 3:55 p.m. - As I approach the oven to remove the casserole, Mom says, "I think it's a goner." I open the door to see the burnt onions, but the casserole is still moist and tasty. I note that even though she was at the oven minutes before me, she didn't remove the "goner" dish. Bitch.
• 3:58 p.m. - As I'm bringing the large casserole upstairs to the kitchen, Aunt Sally micromanages me by directing me away from where I was going to put the hot pan (on the pullout woodblock underneath grandma's microwave) to a tiny burner-sized space on the kitchen stovetop. I say, "Why don't I put it where I intended to put it - on this wood block. Pull it out for me if you want to be helpful." She does. Upperhand obtained.
• 4:00 p.m. - Cousin Anne arrives just in time for dinner. She's nice but she comes from freeloader stock, and she has a mullet. She's had the same haircut all my life. She has a teenage daughter and I always wondered who would bed such a woman. I'm awful.
• 4:10 p.m. - Everybody is seated at the table with their food. Sally is martyring herself in the kitchen, removing rolls from their pans even though nobody has room on their plates for them.
• 4:25 p.m. - Sally finally joins the table, and even though we've already begun eating, grace is prayed.
• 5:15 p.m. - DAD AND I LEAVE THAT MADHOUSE TO HANG OUT AT AUNT BECK'S!!!!!!
• I get to see my Meyer cousins and a couple of crazy pictures are taken.
• Michelle rushes out of the room to take a dump, as we all suspected. We laugh.
• After Gavin and Kennedy get baths, all us girl cousins take them to the bedroom to change them and goof off with them. I rub a towel over my head over and over again, exclaiming "I just got out of the shower!" Cassie and I do the "Brrr, It's Cold in Here" cheer for the babies.
• Beck tells me she has read my blog and it has made her cry.
• Dad and I go home and have good driving conversation.

Friday, 11/23

• I spend the entire day at Manda's house visiting and playing with Cody & Ella. I learn that Cody couldn't go to Hooters for his birthday because one friend's mom didn't like the idea. I ask him if he went to "Balls" instead.
• We put up Manda's tree and Christmas decorations while Ella naps. When she wakes up we tell her there's a surprise in the living room for her. She runs to the stairs and says, "OooooOOOOOooooh! Ah Pretty!" when she sees the tree. We show her all the "pretties" in the house.
• I make Oatmeal Scotchies (oatmeal cookies with butterscotch chips and walnuts) for the decorating day.
• Cody calls me a Jew when I keep winning at Connect Four. I tell him, "You know what's funny about the Jews? Six Million of them were murdered during the Holocaust." The lesson being that he shouldn't make fun of Jews, and I get to make a joke in bad taste to make my point.

Saturday 11/24

• We celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday at the VFW in Jasper. We arrive early and the conversation is painful. I make the excuse to run to Walgreens for a disposable camera, taking Cody with me. I yell at a woman who takes up 2 parking spaces, calling her "big-titted."
• I order a gin and tonic and am pleasantly surprised to learn it costs only 2 dollars. "I love coming home!" I exclaim to the bartender.
• I spend most of the party with Manda and her family, as I don't know the exact names of most of my cousins. They all have T-names - Tammy, Theresa, Tracy, Tina, etc. I can't keep them straight, so it's best not to strike up conversation.
• Mom shows signs of being crazy. When she introduces Manda to her aunt, she mentions "The thing I remember about Atz is that she made a chocolate cake and put pecans all around it for so-and-so's birthday." Atz looks confused and says, "I don't remember ever making such a thing," and Mom's eyes glaze over and she says, "Oh, you did, and it was the best cake ever." Manda's eyes bulge out and she turns to me as if to say, "Bitch is crazy!" Mom also made the comment, "She's so beautiful," to the father of a long-haired child. He corrected her that the child was a boy.
• Aunt Marlene won't get in the family photo because Mom is in it. They had a big fight earlier this year. Uncle Pat, Aunt Sally and Aunt Paula keep trying to convince her in the back of the room, but she just says, "No!" There's a little scene. Meanwhile Mom is standing with some of her brothers while waiting for the photo and she starts acting like a child, putting bunny ears on people and laughing. Manda turns to me and says, "Marlene is being a baby about this picture, and Mom's up there acting like a retard. I don't know which is worse." The picture is taken without Marlene. Manda says that was kind of out of line, but she can't blame her.
• Later when recounting the story to Dad, he says, "I can't blame her."
• When I come home, Dad makes coffee and tells me to add a touch of Bailey's to it; apparently it's his new favorite thing. Gift Idea! We have one of those great stand-around-the-kitchen chats.
• The subject turns to the question, "If someone cheats to win a prize, how can that make them feel good?" Dad shows me a Field and Stream editorial about a man who took an easy shot at a doe and ended up reconsdering his stance on hunting. Dad got to talking about how he could never hunt because he would be afraid of wounding the animal and having to put it out of its misery. He starts to get weepy when he talks about a guy who had to shoot a buck in the heart to finally kill it. He gets choked up about it, says "Goddamnit," and has to leave the room to compose himself.
• We decide to watch Hairspray, but Mom comes home just as I start to load the DVD. Dad says, "Well you can forget about that." We tried to watch it while she babbled drunkly. She exclaimed, "I never drank so much in my life!" and from the looks we exchanged, both Dad and I found that hard to believe.

Sunday 11/25

• I left at 7 a.m. to ride back to Chicago with Uncle Wally. We discussed our new jobs, why we left the old ones, bad management.
• I introduced him to the McGriddle. He introduced me to the Sausage Burrito. I still like my McGriddle.
• We pass a billboard in Indiana advertising Scrementi's Italian Restaurant. I comment that the name sounds like a bowel movement. For 5 minutes, Wally and I bust each other up talking like Italians: "What is-a this steaming pile of pasta?" "Is Scrementi's!" "Is this marinara?" "Is Scrementi's!" "Is Family, Is Fun, Is Scrementi's!" Let me tell you about it sometime.

So there's that,

Laura

This Week's Recipes

In following my new nutrition plan, I've decided to develop two new recipes every week to enjoy for lunch and dinner.

Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto

3/4 Jar, Alessi Sun-Dried Tomatoes in Olive Oil
3 Cloves Garlic
1 Handful of Fresh Basil
1/2 c Shredded /Grated Parmesan Cheese
The Juice of 1 Lemon
2 Tbsp Tomato Packing Oil
Salt & Pepper to Taste
Chicken Broth as needed
1 box whole wheat pasta, preferably textured such as rotini, fusilli or bowtie.

Cook pasta according to package directions. In food processor, combine tomatoes (separated from oil), garlic, basil, & cheese. Pulse to combine. Add oil, lemon juice, salt/pepper & chicken broth as needed to help combine the mixture. It should hold together in a loose ball. Toss with hot whole wheat pasta. Add torn basil leavs & quartered grape tomatoes & serve.

Hot Potatoes for One

5 Baby Red Potatoes, whole
1 Clove Smashed Garlic
1 - 2 tsp of Concentrated Crab Boil (you can find it in the spice section or the seafood counter, near Old Bay Seasoning)
Salt and Pepper to taste
Lite Butter (optional)

In a small pot combine potatoes, garlic & crab boil; cover with water and boil until potatoes are tender. Drain and return to hot pot on stovetop. Toss with salt (or garlic salt), pepper and a little lite butter (optional). Serve hot, with hot sauce on the side.

So there's that,

Laura