Tuesday, March 17, 2009

To Those Who Wait

Last week I told you that I wasn't going to weigh in because I feared that a gain or plateau would tempt me to give up.  I know my body, and I know even better how my brain responds to a stall in progress.  Staying away from the scale was a good decision.
Well, I didn't really stay away from the scale; I weigh myself in the lunchroom on Tuesday mornings to get a sneak peek at my progress.  Last week I showed no loss, and I didn't want to put that on paper.
So guess who strolled into dubdub with complete confidence this afternoon?  This one right here!  I'm down 5.6 lbs, for a grand total of 22 lbs!!!  That's huge!
I haven't lost enough for anyone to really notice.  I mean, nobody's come up to me and asked about it - not that they should or that I expect it.  Outside of this blog, I don't advertise my meeting attendance or tell people about my weigh-ins; I'm not expecting a prize.  But I'm sure at some point people will notice, even if they don't say anything about it.  Until then, losing is my little (big) secret.  
The last time I was losing, I got more response than I expected.  It encouraged me to talk about my numbers, to celebrate successes...until one of my friends knocked me down a couple pegs.
Before we parted for the summer of 2003, I made a deal with Justin that I would lose 50 lbs before we got back to school or I would have to pay him $100.  I went away to work at Yellowstone, and when I came back three months later it was clear that I won the challenge. 
I hit my -65 lb mark over a month later when we were in dress rehearsal for Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and mentioned it in the dressing room.  A couple of people commended me for it, but Justin snapped out of nowhere.  "So what?  Do you want a prize?  It's not like you lost a hundred pounds." 
I know you're reading this, J, and it fucking hurt my feelings.  I've never told you this before, but I will never forget what you said.
I think it was Lindsay O. who, taken aback by his comment, pressed on in my defense (hard to imagine) that it was a huge milestone.  Justin said, "Well good for you, but I don't know why you need me to be happy for you.  Why does it matter what I think?"
I remember sitting in front of the makeup mirror in my wig and costume, getting hot in the face and trying to hold back tears.  The dressing room was full of quiet tension - Mom and Dad were fighting.  My best friend and biggest champion just pulled the net out from under me.  These kind of mood swings were hardly uncommon with him, but I never thought I'd be bearing the brunt of one like this.  It sucked.
I kept losing after that, but the memory of that comment never left me.  I shouldn't expect anyone to care that I'm losing weight, but I kind of expected the support of the guy who challenged me to it in the first place.  I would expect the support of my friends.
Now that I've had to start all over again, this success is my secret.  It's that compass in me that I won't let anybody else demagnetize with their comments, "tips," and judgment about what goes on my plate.  This is mine.
So there's that,


Sarah said...

I care! Congrats!

So did you work for Xantara? Would you mind dropping me a line? sarah(dot)jean(at)gmail(dot)com I'm soooooooo curious about what that experience was like and every summer am tempted to apply. It's been our vacation spot for the past three summers.

justin said...

Wow. Not surprisingly, I have no recollection of that. I can only imagine the tone and inflection in my words and the words themselves. I'm sorry.

I think it's come to pass more often than not, that no, I've probably not been there for you. Not in the ways you needed. Not in the capacity that you've deserved.

And as we both grow older, I sense a divergence in our attitudes and outlooks and a distance that is upsetting, but not necessarily unhealthy.

Knowing the struggles you've made and continue to make, I can't knock you for the progress you make. And the relapses we've both hung our head in shame about, in regards to many things.

I'm sorry. Truly. It means nothing, because what I said - like you said - will stay with you forever. there's nothing to erase that.

There's not a day that I'm not proud of you and who you are and wish that you could spread your voice and thoughts to millions of people so they could know this person that I adore. You shine. No matter what, you shine.

I know there are certain things you've said to me over the years that stung, but I assume that they were retaliation or that your intent was no harm.

Who knows.

I love you, i just hope you remember that too.

Michelle K said...

Way to go! I don't think I can say this enough...so here is another time.. I'm soooo proud of you!

I can remember when I was a freshman...and this man I adored and lusted after...well I ran into him and his dad at the dentist and he had the gall to tell me later that his dad said "she's healthy"..now this was in no means a compliment. To this day it still stays with me...as do many other things...you can forgive them as ignorance...but you can't forget them. I'll have to tell you more about this when you are home.

As far as people noticing...I found it was about the time that I went down a size/lost 25 lbs...so you are very close. I weigh in tomorrow...after skipping a week myself...for the exact same reasons you did. Weird, but good that we learn our triggers.

Love you!