I've been in a deep haze over the past few days, and I'd like to thank Zoloft.
After taking it for a year and a half, I stopped taking it in September, when I felt that my life was going better and it had done it's job. I was really fine; I wasn't crying at the drop of a hat, chewing my nails, or anxious about things I couldn't change.
But I realized this weekend that I am not equipped to handle my emotions, the ones that have swung me with hurricane force all through my overly-sensitive life. I can't bring myself to care right now.
And thankfully, the drug is dulling me. It shuts off my inner monologue. I don't have the ability to entertain thoughts of him when I'm focused on another activity. I can fall asleep without thinking of everything I might have done or should have said. I wake up in the morning ready to go; no happy snoozing and barely getting to work on time.
No compulsion to eat, no hunger. I went to the grocery store last night to restock my proteins, freezer, and pantry. I have never felt more nothing. I didn't care what went into my cart, didn't care to choose. I stared at the shelves for a long while, with no stress over the people who were around me or rushing me. I couldn't help thinking that I could stand there forever and still feel comfortable. Eventually I put in stuff that was on sale, that I could prepare without too much thought. I don't have the energy or interest to cook anymore.
It sounds bleak, but it feels good. Like I've let go of a part of me I can't control, that I've sent it off to a school where it could learn to behave. Meanwhile I'm at rest and productive, holding for a time when I can allow myself to care again.
So there's that,