Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cold Snap

I've been in a deep haze over the past few days, and I'd like to thank Zoloft.
After taking it for a year and a half, I stopped taking it in September, when I felt that my life was going better and it had done it's job.  I was really fine; I wasn't crying at the drop of a hat, chewing my nails, or anxious about things I couldn't change.
But I realized this weekend that I am not equipped to handle my emotions, the ones that have swung me with hurricane force all through my overly-sensitive life.  I can't bring myself to care right now.
And thankfully, the drug is dulling me.  It shuts off my inner monologue.  I don't have the ability to entertain thoughts of him when I'm focused on another activity.  I can fall asleep without thinking of everything I might have done or should have said.  I wake up in the morning ready to go; no happy snoozing and barely getting to work on time. 
No tears.
No compulsion to eat, no hunger.  I went to the grocery store last night to restock my proteins, freezer, and pantry.  I have never felt more nothing.  I didn't care what went into my cart, didn't care to choose.  I stared at the shelves for a long while, with no stress over the people who were around me or rushing me.  I couldn't help thinking that I could stand there forever and still feel comfortable.  Eventually I put in stuff that was on sale, that I could prepare without too much thought.  I don't have the energy or interest to cook anymore.
It sounds bleak, but it feels good.  Like I've let go of a part of me I can't control, that I've sent it off to a school where it could learn to behave.  Meanwhile I'm at rest and productive, holding for a time when I can allow myself to care again.
So there's that,


Justin said...

Holla! for no feelings. I just now have started halfing my dosage. So maybe in another 2 years I'll be off my meds, lol.

Laura said...


Michelle K said...

I've wanted to say something to you all last week. I'm not quite sure what to say, except I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Know that I'm here if you need to vent/talk. Love you.