Which is strange, because I haven't had food sex in some time. I haven't really been overeating or having anything out of the ordinary. I just feel like someone's washing dishes in my stomach and intestines - they're roiling so with gas bubbles. In the past few hours, I've taken to standing, arching my back and rubbing my stomach like I'm expecting. But it doesn't make me feel better. My farts still sound like I'm opening a fresh can of tennis balls.
I do leave for San Francisco in a few days, but I'm not really nervous. At least, I'm not nervous enough to have it manifested gastrointestinally. I always seem to go through funky stomach things right before, and the first few days of, traveling. Whatever's happening hurts, though, and if I didn't have 45 minutes of work left, I'd totes leave, which I never do. It's that bad.
Gah! A big bubble just popped in my stomach. Argggh...
Anyway, onward and upward. This weekend I got a cut and color job that's so hip it makes me feel like I'm trying too hard. Like I'm middle-aged trying to be 26 instead of 26 trying to be 26. Here's the instant message bit that Justin and I had earlier on the subject:
Justin: so did you get your hair did? how'd it turn out? less mousey?
Me: it's interesting...there are 3 different colors in it - dark brown, a lighter dark brown, and a deep red
it's gonna take some getting used to
i feel like when i do something new to my hair or get flashy clothes, i'm not unlike a middle aged woman trying to stay relevant.
will I ever feel like I'm my age?
no, i never do
i feel too old to be doing the things i'm doing, and yet to young to be wearing any loafer style shoe with fringy bows on the fronts
or wear anything with a pleat
me: no one should wear any of the above, ever
me: but i feel like if i were old, this cut/color would say, "Yeah I'm 50 and single and I shop at Chico's, what of it?"
Justin: but, because you aren't 50, it's okay and because you've seen it ill-worn on older women, that's what the issue is?
you notice on someone whom it doesn't belong on
i know a woman who's fighting it. wears dark spiky hair, dark makeup
looks like a stout witch,
and picked on me for talking about bringing healthy food to Thanksgiving, gave me all that "life's-too-short" hullaballoo.
Justin: aww...yeah, and it's like those that fight it look worse than those who just let it happen
me: she's one of those people I see and think, "you're nice and all, but I never want to turn into you."
i think the main reason i colored my hair was because i saw a mid-aged woman on the bus who was saggy-plump, had long mousy hair that was frazzled and grey
me: i thought "no no no no no, this won't be me in 20 years"
how sad is it that I'm 26 and am already worried about looking like a 45 year old?
or feel like i'm well on the path...
Justin: yeah, just be spritely now
me: spritely? please...
Justin: wear ridiculous clothing and be obnoxious in your choices
that's how i feel
me: i want to be sophisticated, not obnoxyin other words, i want to drink the red wine of sophistication without getting the purple teeth
Does this make sense? I feel too old for my age and fear of looking too old for my age. I think it's because, in spite of all the fun, imaginative pallin' around I did as a kid (and still do), I have always been taught to think like a Cathy cartoon. Watch my calories, fear the swimsuit, more shoulder pads! Panty girdles! Ever since I was eight. Seriously. I can honestly say I've never been a young girl, a wild teenager, or a partying college girl. Even when I was in a sorority I didn't feel like a sorority girl. I felt, again, like I was trying too hard to live the life of a "normal" young woman I could never be.
Is it weird that I feel robbed because I was semi-responsible during my irresponsible years? That because I couldn't get by on my looks I had to have loads of personality? That I didn't date 4 guys at a time, to use one for the money, one for the car, one for the sex, and one for the affection? Yeah, I walked away disease-free with all this personality, but people still only judge books by the covers; I'm still passed over all the time. Do I really want those kind of people in my life? Probably not. But It'd be nice to have the chance...if only to shoot 'em down.
So there's that,