Re: How is it possible to be invisible at 300 lbs?

I honestly don't see how I can get any more cynical. I lost 100 lbs a few years ago, and I remember well how much better people treated me. I was still positive and social during my regain, but it was difficult not to notice the positive attention - and any attention - toward me drift away. I know how the world chooses to ignore people; it drives you to becoming a caricature, a jester, a nursemaid - anything that would make you more likable than your outward appearance. I'm sick of fronting. I'm looking forward to finding out who I am going to be when I'm not fat.

So there's that,

Laura

Deep Seated

I went to see Baby Wants Candy on Friday night, and barely noticed my new "wow" moment.  I could sit in the auditorium seats without the arms crushing my thigh fat.  I didn't have to "commit to a thigh" and sit with an unnatural leg cross all night.  I fit in the seat!  And I could use the arm rests!  I didn't have to hold my arms across my chest to keep them from flopping onto the person next to me!

I would think there aren't many readers who know what this feels like.  Just imagine if everything you currently do feels completely awkward, uncomfortable, painful...pretty much contrary to the way things should feel.  Then imagine that you start gaining comfort one step at a time.  The chair in your doctor's waiting room doesn't buckle beneath you.  The elastic on your underwear doesn't dig into your thigh.  You can cross your legs without going numb within a minute.  It's pretty awesome, the freedom.  You'd blog about it, too.

So there's that,

Laura 

To the Hesitant Pre-Op

I'm 28 years old, no comorbidities besides hypothyroidism, 47 BMI, family history of diabetes, and about 150 to lose. I'm six weeks out, and it's probably been the best 6 weeks of my life. No major pain after surgery that wasn't managed by good meds in the hospital. The day after surgery I felt sore, as if I'd done a bunch of sit-ups. I walked 2 miles worth of laps around my hospital floor that day, and I've been moving ever since.

I went back to work after 3 weeks, and had a hypoglycemic episode on the bus on the way to work. Totally my fault - I thought I could wait to eat until I got to work. Lesson learned - eat first thing in the morning! I've been fine ever since. I started hitting the gym again at 3 weeks, taking it easy on my upper body and core. Tomorrow I start working out full force. I haven't been tired or depressed since surgery.

Obviously not everybody can say their recovery was as good as mine. Everybody's different. My advice is start working out now; I credit my quick recovery to a regular workout regimen for the past 2 years. I work for surgeons, and that is always their advice. Do right by your body now. Also, don't be too "strong" for pain medication. They give it to you so that you can feel comfortable enough to live your life without the pain in the foreground. I took my meds regularly and was off them after 1.5 weeks. Haven't taken a pill since.

Most importantly, be positive. There's a good possibility that your recovery is gonna suck for at least a hot minute, but it will get better. Manage your expectations. I truly feel that this has been a gift for me, and I'm so happy to have done this now than to waste any more of my precious life worrying about my diet. This surgery has given me everything I need to move on and enjoy the things in my life that don't involve food!

So there's that,

Laura

Has Beans

Today was bagel day at work, so I brought in a gluten free frozen waffle to give myself some normalcy. I can only eat half of the waffle with some peanut butter, but it's something.

For lunch I made a date with an old high school pal who just started a job near my office. He'd been in Chicago for a year and a half, and until now I hadn't made any effort to hang out with him. I was too much of a hermit.

Anyway, I knew he loved Popeye's chicken, so I suggested we eat there. I had a side of red beans and rice. It went down really well, but daaamn Gina! I could have slept for 5 hours when I got back to work. Carbs make me sleepy!

This brings me to another topic - smell. This sense is getting stronger.

I used to eat beans all the time. Now the smell of refried beans makes me want to hurl. The other night, I made a mini tortilla pizza with refried beans, chicken, cheese, and salsa, and I could barely stand it. Now there's 4/5 of a can of refried beans in my fridge, and even though it's sealed in Tupperware, I can smell it as soon as I open the door. I have to throw them out. It's so bad that I don't even want to open the Tupperware; I just want to throw it down the garbage chute and never deal with it again.

I used to love this herbed turkey breast from Trader Joe's, but now the smell of rosemary and sage makes me gag. It's too fragrant!

I can smell people's breath on the bus. I can smell their hair. I hated the smell of cologne before? Now I want to put anyone who wears too much cologne into "work" camps. Give them a "haircut" and a "shower." Is it so much to ask for a nation of olfactory purity?

So there's that,

Laura

That '70s Show

I had a delightful weigh-in today, clocking in at 279. I probably haven't seen this number since 2006 when I was on the climb after my last big weight loss.

So far I've lost 29 lbs since my pre-op weigh-in, and 56 lbs since I began this process in May 2008. I feel awesome.

So there's that,

Laura

Wow Moment #2

When I sit in a forward-facing bus seat, my knees aren't wedged against the back of the seat in front of me. I took a picture:

I've lost my butt shelf. I can now feel the entire length of my spine resting comfortably on the back of a chair, or against the back of the bathtub. It's a strange feeling, not having that gap between my butt and the center of my back when I sit down. I don't think the small of my back has had contact with anything other than my bed in a LONG time. My back feels better too!

So there's that,

Laura

The $25 Bite

I was out window shopping yesterday afternoon, and it had been about 4 hours since I drank my morning protein shake. I needed a protein rich meal, stat.

I decided to stop by The Counter for their burger in a bowl. From what I remembered, the portion size wouldn't be too difficult to handle - you get just over 5 ounces of meat served over spring mix greens and your choice of garnishes. I figured I could get a serving of their fried pickles, too; in my pre-op days, the pickles were positively paltry.

You can see where I'm going with this. What arrived was an insurmountable obstacle of food. There were probably 20 thickly sliced fried pickles in front of me, and I could only deal with one before digging into my main course. I went for the monthly special - an easily digestible crab cake with bacon cole slaw. I should've asked the server to bring me the crab cake by itself; I couldn't even contemplate the lettuce and attendant condiments. I asked for a little plate so that I could dose out my crab cake, which was beautiful and full of lumpy crab and very little filler. I'm sure the server took one look at my untouched plates and thought I was some kind of freak.

It took me 90 minutes to eat the 5-ounce crab cake plus one more fried pickle. I passed the time enjoying this guy's book. With tip, my meal came out to $25.

I learned a few things. Don't go to a sit-down restaurant when I'm starving and by myself. Go someplace with soup. Go to the grocery store and get something at the deli. Get the right portions for a better price. If I do go somewhere, it's gotta be the best of the best; I don't mind shelling out cash for a once-in-a-lifetime meal. But a crab cake? Bitch you high.

Most importantly is that I was confronted with how I saw food portions before surgery. I used to think those fried pickles were a rip-off because I could still see the bottom of the plate when they arrived. Now they look Brobdingnagian, as if I could use one of them to slide down a snowy hill. I had to break down that crab cake and move it section by section to a smaller plate so it didn't look so bestial. Eating? Not as easy as it used to be. And that is good.

So there's that,

Laura