My Paella

I've had this huge craving for paella (pronounced "Pie-yay-uh") for weeks, and it was getting worse every time I saw someone cook it on Food Network or when I would order it at a tapas place.  I love the stuff - the seafood, the color, the texture - but I think it can be healthier.  Genuine paella is made with rice, veggies, chorizo and seafood, but rice doesn't have enough fiber for me, and I'm sure it's loaded with fat and oil to keep it so smooth.

 

 

So I took it upon myself to make my own, substituting fiber-full couscous for rice and putting in tons of veggies.  Since I didn't have a wide enough pan (or burner) I decided to make it in a 6-quart pot, and this stuff overflowed!  I got about 10 huge servings out of this.  I've been eating it all week, and I'm a little sick of it; if it freezes well, I can enjoy it the next time I get a craving.

 

Hearty veggies, fiber, seafood?  Who could ask for more?

 

I'm Making Paella

Makes 10 large (two-ladle) servings

 

1 Tbsp Olive Oil

1 Medium yellow onion, diced

3 Large garlic cloves

1-2 Cups baby white or red potatoes, quartered

1 Each - Red, Green & Orange bell pepper, diced

2 Links Chicken Sausage - Chorizo Flavored (I like Amy's), cut in half lengthwise and sliced into half-circles.

3 Tbsp Tomato Paste

1 Pinch Saffron (I found a little package - Vigo brand - for $3.69 at my grocery store.)

1 Can (10-14 oz) diced tomatoes with green chilies

1 Quart Chicken Broth/Stock

1-1.5 lbs of raw, peeled & deveined shrimp

1 lb Bay Scallops (These are the tiny ones.  I got them frozen.  You can get big fresh sea scallops, but I think they're too big for me.)

7 oz Crab Claw Meat - optional (This is the "cheapest" meat of the crab.  I found a tub of pre-cooked stuff for $7, and it's awesome.  I make crab salad out of it.  DON'T USE FAKE CRAB LEGS YUCK.)

Mussels - optional (I found frozen mussels in butter sauce - in the shell and everything.  I just microwaved them, removed the meat and added it to the mix.  If you can't find them, don't use them, unless you're brave.)

Salmon or other sturdy fish - optional (Cut them into 1-inch chunks and add them to the simmer.  If you want; I didn't.)

2-3 cups Whole Wheat Couscous

1 cup frozen baby peas

Hot Sauce (Louisiana or Frank's = my favorites)

 

In a large pot, heat olive oil until it ripples.  Saute onions until they are translucent.  Add chicken chorizo sausage & garlic; cook until sausage is warmed through.  Stir in peppers and potatoes, season with salt and pepper, and cook until peppers are translucent but still crisp.  Stir in tomato paste and saffron; let heat through.  Add canned tomatoes and season with salt and pepper to taste; cook until warmed through.  Stir in chicken broth and simmer until potatoes are fork-tender.  Gently stir in shrimp, scallops and fish (optional), and simmer gently until the seafood is opaque.  

 

Stir in 2 cups of couscous, cover pot, and remove from heat for 5 minutes.  After five minutes, the couscous should be fully cooked.  If there is still a lot of liquid and the couscous is mushy, add more couscous to soak up that extra liquid; cover to steam the couscous for 5 more minutes. 

 

Return the pot to the burner and gently stir in crab meat, mussels, and frozen peas, being careful not to break up the fish chunks (if you added fish).  Taste for seasoning; add salt, pepper and hot sauce as desired.

 

Serve with a light dusting of parmesan and fresh chopped cilantro. 

 

It's a lot of work - prepping the veggies, tending the pot, etc. - but it probably took me an hour in total.  It helps to play some Motown music and drink a glass of wine in the meantime.  That helps for anything.

 

So there's that,

 

Laura

 

I Got All This Paella

I made Paella this past weekend.  Lots of it.  Before I post the recipe, here's the bulk of a paella-centric Seinfeld script:

 

From Seinfeld:  The Raincoat (I &II)

 

GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?

(Morty and Helen look at each other)

HELEN: Tonight?

GEORGE: Yea they're making Paella.

HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.

JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?

HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.

JERRY: Where'd you get plans?

HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans.

GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night?

HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe

GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.

MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.

GEORGE: (quietly) Ya.

JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.

GEORGE: Ya.

(George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed)

JERRY: So what plans do you have?

MORTY: None

JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?

HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.

MORTY: We can't stand them.

JERRY: Really? Since when?

HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them.

JERRY: Why?

HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?

JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.

MORTY: Well we do.

……………………………………….

[Costanza House]

FRANK: They're not coming?

GEORGE: No, they had plans.

ESTELLE: How could they have plans?

GEORGE: That's what I wanna know.

FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.

ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?

GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe.

FRANK: Maybe?

ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us.

FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?

ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet.

FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?

GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.

……………………………………………..

[Costanza House)

(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in)

ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight?

GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe.

FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.

ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.

FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.

GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.

ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?

GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic.

ESTELLE: I heard noise.

GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse.

FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!

GEORGE: What?

FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation.

GEORGE: You haven't even seen one.

FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.

ESTELLE: All right Frank that's enough.

(Frank sits back down)

…………………………………….

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Mom and Pop Seinfeld

JERRY: Look I don't know.

GEORGE: All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.

JERRY: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.

GEORGE: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?

JERRY: That's right.

GEORGE: Is there something wrong with my parents?

JERRY: Absolutely

GEORGE: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.

JERRY: These the people you currently live with?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: Uh huh

GEORGE: So are they coming tonight or not?

JERRY: Look I really don't know what they're plans are.

GEORGE: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.

JERRY: What is that anyway?

GEORGE: It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.

JERRY: I-I'll tell 'em

 

………………………………………..

 

[Costanza House]

(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)

GEORGE: They were drinking champagne in a buggy!

FRANK: First Kramer, then Elaine?

GEORGE: Yea

FRANK: It's a slap in the face.

ESTELLE: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!

FRANK: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.

(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)

ESTELLE: The hell with them.

GEORGE: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.

…………………………………………

ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.

(Estelle goes to answer the door)

KRAMER: (from outside) Hello?

ESTELLE: Hello

KRAMER: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)

ESTELLE: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)

KRAMER: Ooo Paella

GEORGE: Hey uh let me take you're coat.

KRAMER: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.

FRANK: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?

KRAMER: Wha?

FRANK: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back

……………………………………….

 

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)

KRAMER: Hey, Frank!

FRANK: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.

MORTY: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went.

FRANK: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.

MORTY: I retract your retraction.

So there's that,

 

Laura

Missed Opportunity for a Backhand Slap

I just went down to the front desk to pick up a gym pass for my lunchtime workout.  Every time I go, the ladies at the desk know exactly what I'm there for, because I only come for the pass, oh, every fricken day.  On days when they have Tootsie Rolls or Pops in the candy dish, I usually grab one or two of those, too.

 

There was this older woman there talking to the receptionists, and when they were signing out a pass for me, I said in my best Mae West impersonation, while digging in the candy dish, "I've come for a gym pass and some Tootsies."

 

Then this woman standing by said, "Well if you're getting a gym pass, you shouldn't be eating the candy."

 

Fuck you.

 

So I says to her, I says, "Well, if I burn 500 calories every time I go to the gym, I figure a couple pieces of candy can't hurt."  Snap!  The scorpion begins its dance.

 

She looked at me as if she didn't know what to say, then the main receptionist gets my back.  "Tootsie Rolls are fat free."  Which the other lady - this, this interloper - finds surprising.  "Oh really....?"

 

I pocketed my pass and walked away.  Fuck that bitch.

 

I don't know...is this an oversensitive response?  I get really ticked off at that kind of judgment or "advice."  I swear I wanted to say, "Bitch I do this everyday.  My goddamn doctor says I'm like Michael-fucking-Jordan, so don't worry about my candy/excercise balance."

 

Or just choke her.

 

Bleh!  Begone, negative emotions!

 

 

Note:  In the time it took me to get back to my desk and dash off this email, I've already crunched down the Tootsie Pop, which I normally savor.  In this case, it really did take 3 licks to get to the center of Tootsie Pop.  This has ruined my treat.

 

So there's that,

 

Laura

Just to Get You Through

Smile, it's Wednesday.

You're welcome.

So there's that,

Laura

Back to My Roots

I've been phoning in my blog over the past few days, and for that I apologize. Look to the future for my response to Victoria's Secret's recruiter, as well as my Cranky Fat Bitch Emails to Sports Authority, The North Face, and all those sportswear stores that need to market to bigger people.

I went to the nutritionist on Thursday and reviewed my blood labs from November. I'm healthy as a horse! With the exception of a little low thyroid activity, I'm what my doctor described as "Michael Jordan" - low in bad cholesterol, average in good cholesterol (which I can amp up with more excercise, since it's produced by the body), and just a superstar in all arenas. I could retire from basketball, play some baseball, retire again, play basketball, retire, golf, then own a team...if I wanted to. So that's good.

I also went to that Tim Whatley-esque endodontist last night to get started on my root canal. It was pretty funny stuff. The hygienist and I hit it off: when Whatley suggested that I needed a wisdom tooth removed before they could crown my root canal tooth, she slipped me some news under the table as soon as he left the room.

Hygienist: (Eyes widening for emphasis as the man-in-charge leaves) Let me tell you this; your dental plan won't cover a full wisdom teeth extraction and this root canal, and the crown. Where do you live?

Me: Oh hell. Irving Park and Pine Grove.

Hygienist: I know a good oral surgeon near Belmont and Sheffield; he won't jack up the prices and he's just a good guy. I used to work for him.

Me: Wow, that's great. I'd love his number; I was looking at this other guy my dentist recommended.

Hygienist: What's his name?

Me: Something with a Z? Downtown?

Hygienist: Oh, Z----? He's good, too, but it's up to you. I'll give you this other guy's number. I let him remove my kid's teeth.

Me: Okay.

Hygienist: (Leaning in, telling me a secret best kept between friends) And let me tell you this - no one will tell you this, but I will: Have them charge your anesthesia against your medical insurance so you don't eat up all your dental coverage.

Me: Oooh, good idea!

Hygienist: No one will tell you this, but I will.

Add that conversation to the laughs we got out of the lame smooth jazz music in the background and her ex-boyfriend-who's-about-to-get-married still calling her cell phone, and you got two new pals.

The procedure was fine, went VERY quickly - definitely not like Glen Schepers, DDS. And he didn't hold up every medieval tool and describe its job in detail like GS DDS, either.

"I'm going go into the roots of your tooth with this little file and it's going to help me scrape out all that dead tissue. We're gonna clean that up and put some medicine in it, then when you come back in a few weeks, I'll stuff those nerve canals up with rubber cement."

I hear it in my sleep.

Though soon into the drilling, the bit fell out of his drill, which didn't hurt me but freaked him out. He stopped drilling, and I saw him jump. He said "fucking.....[mumble]," and reached into my mouth with a pliers to pull out a thin, inchlong piece of metal. I think he was embarrassed, but I thought it was pretty funny. Did I mention he looks a bit like Alex Trebek?

I couldn't help but think - while all this was happening - about how my tooth is so tiny, but when it's being worked on to this extent, it feels like it's at least an inch in diameter, they do so much detail work on it.

The best part about this root canal? Vicodin, baby! I got ten pills, and I'mma save what I don't use for pre-menstrual syndrome cramps. Boo yah!

So there's that,

Laura

For Real...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Justin.Thompson@oneamerica.com <Justin.Thompson@xxxx.com>
Date: Jan 28, 2008 8:09 AM
Subject:
To: laurarmeyer@gmail.com


the worst feeling is to sit down in the bathroom and the seat still be warm. :::::::chunk's vomiting sounds::::::::

Justin Thompson
Marketing Communications Consultant, Care Solutions



This e-mail message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which the transmission is addressed. Any interception may be a violation of law. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the document.

Do you know Chunk's vomiting sounds? Hoo-ahhh, Hoo-ahhh, HOO-AAAH!

So there's that,

Laura

Just a Good Idea

Found this on www.postsecret.com, which I already told you I love.  I thought it could help us all sometime.

 

 

You're welcome.

 

So there's that,

 

Laura