Laughin' at the Expense of Others

I ran down to Starbucks a while ago with my cubemates Lyzz and Amy, which is always fun.  When we got back to the building, there was this girl waiting in the elevator lobby.  Let me describe her attire:

 

• Black Peacoat
• Black Calf-Hugger Boots
• Maroon Tights
• Grey Knit Skirt...hitting above mid-thigh.

She was not an unattractive girl by any measure.  She had long black hair, looked classy from the neck-up.  And then there was a skirt barely covering her ovaries.  We had the opportunity to ride on the elevator with her.

 

Once she pressed the button for the 18th floor, I felt safe knowing she wasn't a coworker.  I started giving the subtle wide-eyed look to the girls; you know that classic "ahem" of the eyebrows you use when you just can't say something out loud?  I thought maybe they were a little more polite than I was, and that I wouldn't get the chance to discuss her attire after she got off the elevator.

 

To my delight, I was wrong.  As soon as she stepped off the elevator, both Lyzz and Amy made the wide-eyed look.  There was an elephant in the elevator after all!  And it wasn't me!  When the doors closed, we huddled in like little school girls and said the following:

 

Lyzz:  I hope she's not going to work like that!

Me:  I know!

Amy:  If she is, she needs to go back down a few floors!

 

[Lyzz shuts her eyes and throws her head back slowly and gives the "oh-that's-awful" laugh.  Then, nodding violently:]

 

Laura:  ...Go back down a few floors outside to the streetcorner.  Because she looks like a whore.

 

[We laugh uproariously]

 

Amy:  Thanks for clearing that up.

Laura:  Let's not mince words.

 

We chuckled all the way back to our desks, shushing each other and trying not to make a scene.  This is fun.

 

So there's that,

 

Laura

 

 

 

 

Apples: A Retrospective / The Chicken Simmer

I had an apple after lunch yesterday, and it reinforced my long-held dislike of apples.


It's not that I have anything against the sweet crispness of a Fuji apple, or the homey wonder of a perfect Dutch apple pie a la mode. I just can't stand eating an apple out of hand. It's an inconvenience. My arguments are mainly three-fold:

• It's a commitment - Once you bite into an apple, you can't just set it down and come back to it later. It gets brown, and when you come back to it, it looks pretty unappealing.


• The juices - The juices run all out of the bite and make the apple all sticky. And that gives me one thing I hate - messy hands. Face it - you can't eat an apple and type at the same time.


• The bite and slurp - because of those juices, and because you can't set it down, you have to keep biting and slurping. Do you know how self-conscious that makes me in a quiet office? Every time I bite down I think, "This has got to be getting on someone's nerves." I feel like the star in a commercial for crisp Fuji apples.

In addition, apples are pretty hit-and-miss. So many of them are bruised and oversweet or mealy. For that reason, I usually go for lighter colors, like the greens, yellows, pink blush. The Red Delicious - the long-held symbol of all apples - was forbidden in the Garden of Eden for a reason: It's a mealy motherfucker. If there's one thing I can't stand in this world it's a Red Delicious apple.


From here on out, the only time I'll eat an apple is when I have the opportunity to slice it into manageble chunks.


I know this is a petty discourse on everyday fruit, but given the option, I'll pick an orange. I can peel and section it, set it on a napkin for later, wash my hands, and munch at my own pace. Plus, everybody loves the smell of an orange.


On to a new recipe. I came up with this little dollbaby last night in an attempt to make a quick meal out of leftovers and cheap meat:


The Chicken Simmer


2 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs (or any chicken part - these are just good for slow cooking)

Salt & Pepper, Garlic Powder

1 can Diced Tomatoes with Garlic and Onion (I like Del Monte)

1 large clove Garlic

1 small can Chopped Mushrooms

1/2 can quartered Artichoke Hearts, chopped (I just had it on hand - you can use any hearty veggie you like. I suggest frozen asparagus or spinach because most canned veggies are nasty. Artichokes are my exception.)

3 Tbsp Capers, Optional

1-2 Tbsp Goat Cheese (my fave brand is pictured - you can reseal it!) or Cream Cheese

Chopped Basil and Parsley, Optional

2 servings (4 oz. dry) Whole Wheat Spaghetti (or your favorite pasta)


Sprinkle one side of your chicken thighs with salt, pepper and garlic powder. Place seasoned side down in a large, hot non-stick skillet (you should hear a sizzle). Do not move the chicken while it cooks for 5 minutes or until brown on that side. Sprinkle raw side of chicken with salt, pepper and garlic powder. Flip and saute for 5 more minutes or until brown.


When chicken is brown on both sides (it doesn't have to be done in the middle), add the can of tomatoes to the pan. Reduce heat and let simmer uncovered. Add chopped artichokes, mushrooms and crushed garlic. Let the chicken simmer in the sauce for about 15-20 minutes.


Meanwhile, prepare pasta according to package directions. Add capers to the chicken & veggie mix, and dollop with goat cheese. Stir carefully to combine. Sprinkle with basil and parsley and hot pepper flakes, if you fancy. Drain pasta and stir into chicken mixture. Let simmer for a couple of minutes and serve. Makes 2 hearty servings.


You can also shred the chicken and return it to the pan for easy eating...and to make sure it's fully cooked. But it will be, and it will be tender. Yumyumyumyum, et al.


Oh, and you can add a touch of vodka, then light it on fire with one of those clicky sticks. If you have a gas stove, make sure you remove the pan from heat before adding booze. The point - the alcohol burns away but the flavor remains. And you've made a classic vodka sauce. Go you.


So there's that,


Laura

Taxicab Confessions

One of my coworkers was hit by a taxicab this morning while waiting for the bus. Thankfully, she suffered a few cuts and bruises and was sent home for a few days on doctor's orders. Cuts and bruises...after she went airborne.

This news really freaked me out. Not just because Ann works just steps away from me, is a great coffee buddy, and is completely awesome, but because - perhaps more obviously - this could easily have happened to me.

In my three years in the city (which reminds me, today is the anniversary of my move), I have become hardened to the ways of the lawful pedestrian. I walk everywhere, and in doing so I constantly disregard crosswalk instructions - if there are no cars in sight, I'll cross before seeing the white walk light. I'm an ace jaywalker. I weave between cars stalled at a busy intersection. I brag that I can move faster than it takes a driver to make a decision. I don't have time to be bothered with waiting.

On the other hand, I have nearly been hit following foot-traffic rules. I've thrown muffins at cars turning into my crosswalk when I have the signal. I've tapped on impatient car hoods with my water bottle. I've even swatted a bumper with my closed umbrella when the driver narrowly missed me. Drivers piss me off sometimes.

But Ann was just waiting for a bus. I do this everyday - sometimes more than twice a day. I can't imagine what it must have been like this morning, waiting at a crowded stop with the wind and the rain pissing everyone off, then to have some jackass cabdriver plow into you. Worst thing that happened to me this morning was having my umbrella curl up and fall apart in the wind. Oh well, it was a gift from the bank.

I've resolved to be more careful. Be present in the mundane action of walking down the street so that I can anticipate errant cars and suspicious characters. Turn my I-Pod down a little so I know what's going on. Time to be a cautious midwesterner.

So there's that,

Laura

Fish for My Taco

I started my period yesterday, which must explain my massive craving for protein over the past few days. Even though it's TMI, a good thing has come from it:

Lemon-Caper Spaghetti with Seared Salmon

4 oz. Whole Wheat Spaghetti or Linguine

2 - 4 oz. Portions of Salmon Filet (preferably with the skin on)

3 Tbsp Capers, from a jar

1 c Grape Tomatoes, quartered

The Juice of 1 Lemon

1 Tbsp Olive Oil

3 Cloves Garlic, minced

Salt, Pepper, Red Pepper Flake - To Taste

Heat a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Spray with a little nonstick spray, if you don't trust your pan. While your pan heats up, sprinkle the skin side of the salmon with salt and pepper. Add salmon to the hot pan - skin side down - and do not move it once it's there. You should hear a good sizzle. After 4-5 minutes - or when the skin is crispy - turn the salmon over and cook for another 4-5 minutes. After that, cook on each of the smaller sides for 1-2 minutes each. Make sense? In other words, cook the fish on all four sides, spending less time on the smaller ones. It's okay if the middle is a little rare. If it's too complicated, use chicken...ya bum.

Prepare pasta according to package directions. In mixing bowl, combine garlic, oil, lemon juice, capers & tomatoes. Add salt, pepper and red pepper to taste. When pasta is cooked, drain quickly and add immediately to mixing bowl - it's okay if the noodles are still really wet with pasta water . Toss with ingredients, then add back into hot pasta pan to heat through for a few minutes. You can omit this last step, but my tomatoes, lemon and capers were ice cold, so I wanted to heat them up. Divide pasta onto two plates, top with a touch of parmesan cheese and your seared fish.

It takes less time than it sounds. I almost didn't make dinner last night, but I needed leftovers for lunch. I dragged myself to the kitchen to cook up this business, and it took - i swear - less than 20 minutes. My favorite part? The crispy salmon skin. I could go Buffalo Bill on that stuff. When I was packing away the second serving for today's lunch, I took the skin off that piece and ate it, because I knew it would just be soggy when I reheated it today.

And now, I am enjoying a fantastically decadent yet light lunch that my cubemates envy.

Don't feel bad about eating the skin, and don't worry about the "fat" in salmon. Yeah, it's a fatty fish, but it's chock-full of that Omega-3 fatty acid - the kind that's supposed to be perfect for your heart, hair, skin, nails and flat stomach. It's so good for you that the American Heart Association stated that we should try to work in 1-2 servings of fatty fish each week - including salmon, tuna, mackerel and Dad's favorite...herring. Check it out: http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4632

So there's that,

Laura

Put Him in a Bodybag

I watched Karate Kid this weekend, and I realized that the sensai from the dastardly Cobra Kai dojo looks not unlike my old company's CFO, Bill LeCompte.

Now I can't find an image of Bill on the web, which would make this post more funny and relevant, but please know that he looks just like this:

Bill LeCompte is a great guy, so the resemblance is only physical. He is, however, much less badass.

I would like to think he lead a double life as a Hollywood nemesis in the 80s, rather than attending DePaul University for business as his curriculum vitae suggests.

"You're the best around, nothing's gonna ever keep you down."

So there's that,
Laura

Boo! Resolvists!

Excuse me? I have a complaint.

I've been working out over most of my lunch breaks since the end of November. With the exception of a bald weightlifter who's always just ending his "sesh" when I arrive at 1:00 pm on the dot, I am the always the sole person in the fitness room. I was joined later last month by our treadmill-loving, Weight Watcher-supporting HR director - a sweet woman who is just as focused as I am during a workout. I like her. We don't have to talk to each other just because we're in the same room; post-workout pleasantries in the locker room are enough.

BUT TODAY, while I was walking to the fitness room, three other coworkers (who are in another division, so I don't know them by name) are a few steps behind me. I kept praying to myself, "please don't let them come to workout, please...I've been doing this for so long, and they're just working out because it's the new year!"

I went in and did what I always do: I put my water bottle, I-Pod and book on my favorite elliptical machine. This isn't because they're there; it's because I always claim it. I was there first, this is the machine I want, and this is the machine I've had for weeks. When I went into the locker room after filling up my water bottle, I heard them talking over the stalls. From what I could glean, they were being snarky about how I called the machine. They weren't saying it directly, but they were saying stuff like, "Does it really make a difference what machine you use?" and such. I wasn't imagining it. And for further evidence, the two women in stalls were talking freely, and the one at the sink kept her mouth shut because she knew I was there.

It stressed me out. Yeah, it sounds really self-conscious, but I kept thinking, "Goddamnit, I've been here before all y'all. I have a routine. I'm half autistic about it." I kept trying to let it go, but it was eating me up the whole time. The woman who took up the machine next to me went slower while I was burning my shit up. And I wasn't doing it for show; it's my pace. I listen to music, I read my book, and I try to burn at least 500 calories. I wanted to spill my feelings to my cubemates when I came back, but I was afraid of looking petty and gossipy.

Resolvists. They're dirty resolvists. By the end of the month, they'll give up, but for now they're my new enemies.

I know that's a horrible way to see it, but here are the facts:

1. All three of these women had no signs of a weight problem. I know that's not up to me, but I think I have some perspective, considering I'm probably at least "a buck-fifty" above any of them.
2. They're just working out because this is the first workday of the new year, and they've made resolutions.
3. I made my resolution in 4th grade, bitches, so get in line.

Now I have to do one of two things - push my lunch up to 12:45 (which I hate), or take lunch at 2:00, which looks really sleazy; that's way too late to take a lunch break and not look like you're trying buck the system.

The other thing that got me was that after the workout, I was changing in the locker room when I heard one of them say, "[The HR director] is really keeping up with it." I kind of wanted to cry, or say, "I've been keeping up with it, too..." Neither were viable options. Had they come into the locker room 5 minutes earlier, they would have heard the HR director and I talking about the holidays and how it's good we're both sticking to our fitness guns.

I guess it all comes down to this: It really bothers me that people look at me and think that I don't diet, or work out, or really try to lose weight. The truth is, my weight, my diet, and my excercise regimen are all I think about. It's all I've thought about as a mature adult for 7 years now. They see me at 300 lbs and think, "Jesus Christ, she needs to get some self-control." That's all I've been doing this whole time - trying to take control. I've probably worked out more in the past few years than many of the people I meet in passing, and I don't think that's an overestimation either. I like to be in motion. One of my coworkers even said, "I've never seen you move slowly."

I don't like when people see me as a resolvist, that the only reason I go into an athletic store is because I've made some decision to excercise that I'll never stick to. Case in point, I went to Sports Authority tonight, and no one offered to help me. No one. And I looked up and down the 7 floors trying to find shit I needed. Normally these people are all over your ass, right? They were certainly interested in others that came through the doors. I wanted warm hiking socks. I wanted a new sport bottle. I wanted a yoga mat. And I had to flag a guy down to get the correct price on the mat I wanted. This was the same guy that hovered around the 7th floor elevator clearly to greet customers, but when I arrived, he considered me for a moment and turned the other way. No fooling.

And believe it or not, the same thing happens every time I go into Sephora, the uppity makeup haven in the Nordstrom Mall. I've been there at least 5 times to make decent and informed purchases, but every time I come in, some queen or another glosses over me after one look to fawn over the other customers coming in the door behind me.

These are the same people that turn me off of meatmarket gyms. Fuck these people - I got more commitment in my big toe, and more make-up free beauty in my Meyer cheekbone than they have personality.

So there's that,

Laura

Resolution Revelation

Happy New Year!

Though it may be obvious, I made some resolutions this year. Just like I do every year. I always promise to focus on weight loss and stick to a financial budget. Seriously, for the past 5 years or so, I've written little notes to myself to keep in my pocketbook that say things like,

• "Pay your bills before you pay your mouth."


• Eliminate credit card debt.


• Balance your checking account regularly.


• Save at least $100 every month.

It's pretty tough for me to handle money. I don't balance my checking account because I track activity on the bank's website. It's pretty easy to see discrepancies. Plus, I only write 1 check per month, and that's for rent. If I could pay it online, I totes would. My card debt isn't bad (less than $3000), and if I commit to it, I could pay it all off by the end of June. But is it just me, or is it damn hard to turn that money over? Every time I pay my card bills, I feel like I'm getting nothing in return. It's like I'm giving money away. I guess that's pretty immature of me, but still.

I think of financial debt in terms of dieting: If I pay $500 towards my cards, that means I have $500 more dollars to put on credit. It's just like if I burn 500 calories on the elliptical, I can eat a piece of coconut cake. Both are bad ways of thinking: If I pay down $500 in debt, I'm just shooting myself to spend it all over again; I'll just owe more in the long run, with interest. If I eat the cake after I excercise, I'm wasting all my efforts; plus the cake has probably 2-3 times more calories than what I burned. I'm paying caloric interest.

Boo.

So this year, I'm getting my shit together. I have the best job ever, and I can have money directly deposited to my savings so I don't have to debate it every month. I'mma pay down that card debt so I can use the credit for what it should be used for - emergencies. And big purchases. C'mon!

The adult thing to do would be to pay down my cards, get rid of the high-interest Capital One account that I've had since college, keep my bank-issued card and my Lane Bryant card (a girl needs emergency clothes!) and keep those in good standing. I could make the credit work for me like most people: Use only the bank card for every purchase, then pay it back from my checking account every month to take advantage of points and rewards. I had a sage boyfriend last year who taught me that little tidbit. It sounds like a good idea, but I don't think I have the willpower. We'll just focus on paying off debt first.

Once those are checked off, I could avoid using them for awhile. However, you build credit by using them a little each month and paying them off immediately. That's how you avoid service charges.

Why am I babbling about finances? I want to get my shit together. I thought briefly this weekend, "Hey, if you pay down those cards, get your loan paid off by the end of next year, and save some coin, you could buy some property. That's where the money is, Meyer." Maybe that will be my new goal before 30 - own my own place. Rent is just money down the drain. Property is where it's at. But let's just wait until the real estate bubble bursts. God how grown up do I sound?

Side note: My other goals before 30 - hit goal weight, begin hiking Appalachian Trail (before, during or after hitting goal weight, don't care), and travel overseas. Sounds do-able.

As to my weight loss resolution, I've decided to stop looking at healthy eating as "dieting." I'm just going to focus on making better choices, continue working out over lunch and on the weekends and let the chips fall where they may. I'll continue taking the appetite suppressants prescribed by Dr. Gupta, because they really do restrain me. And I'll weigh in regularly.

I've also resolved to do the following:

• Reward myself with a soak in the hotel's hot tub every Friday after work. Maybe a few laps in the pool.
• Commit to my office yoga classes - I signed up for a Monday and a Tuesday class over my lunch break. It was a great bargain: $28 for both days, for 12 weeks. Do you know how cheap that is in this town. Plus all my cube mates are doing, and the woman across from me is organizing the whole thing. Talk about support.
• Try one new thing every month.
• Get active in comedy again, as much as my work schedule will allow. Work is way more important to me, after all.
• Attack weight loss in manageable chunks, no pun intended. My first goal is 30 lbs. Do-able.
• Redecorate the apartment in pieces. First goal: new desk.

I hope you all have success in the new year! Let's take 2008 by the sack!

So there's that,

Laura