Monday, September 7, 2009

Reboot Universe

"Today, I came up to a cross walk. Right before pressing the button I noticed the sign above it said 'Reboot Universe.' I was too afraid to push it, so I went the long way. You're welcome, Universe."

My Life Is Average #449895

So yeah, no posts in a while. The blame is threefold:
  1. Busy work schedule
  2. General funkiness
  3. PopCap Games

This is my busiest time of year at work. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm pretty much effed against a wall until October 16. I go to Indy next week to staff a continuing education course, and I come right back to work on more stuff for our organization's annual conference next month. Don't use these links against me; I worked very hard on them.

By the time I get home, I'm tired and stressed enough to binge eat. I've been good about not giving in, but I must admit there were a couple nights I came home to a dinner of Chunky Monkey.

I don't want to get on the computer when I come home, but I do anyway. I login to my work computer from home and do the mindless stuff while I watch TV. I don't have time to paginate a 700 page, 26 chapter PDF when I'm trying to explain my work to a new boss and juggling calls regarding the above-mentioned programs.

But that's work, and I saw it coming. I'm just trying to visualize how life will be on October 16th. I know it's a gross analogy, but I imagine it will be like coming down from a big orgasm, except the stuff leading up to it isn't as fun. And I promise never to type "orgasm" again. Henceforth, I shall call it an "OG Readmore."

And when I get done with work-from-home, I spend a few hours watching mrsa infection videos and then warping my brain playing Bejeweled, Zuma, or Atomica on I don't know how it started, but now when I close my eyes I imagine rows of gems that I have to sort by color in groups of three or more. It's completely effed up.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I like my job, I like where I live, but there are so many opportunities I know I'm missing. I'm doing the improv thing, but I feel like I can't really connect with it anymore. Taking two years off really screwed things up; there's new blood, and though I've been where they've been, I feel out of touch. Like I'm thisclose to being one of those weird older people taking improv classes. I'm 27, and I feel like I'm doomed to be the cougar taking classes at IO just to branch out away from work and get in touch with the hip young crowd. Makeup caking in my wrinkles and flouncing about onstage in my open-toe sandals and my age-inappropriate Lane Bryants smelling like powdery Estee Lauder eau de toilette.

Harsh, no?

This is the stuff of my general funkiness. I want to go to grad school, but I just don't know what the point is anymore. If I stay in my division at work, I can't really get above my pay grade if I don't have a anything. And I want a masters; I just don't know if I have the guts to plunge into more debt and spend three years of my life as a working student. Which is stupid - I know it's hard work, I know I can do it, and I know the time will fly; but I already feel like my life's been on hold forever. How can I start living if I have to work doubletime?

My life being on hold? Totally my fault. My confidence has taken a nosedive in the nearly five years since I've moved here. It's not the city, it's not the people; it's my own effing pisspoor attitude about myself, my weight and my relationships. I've said this a million times on this blog, but I've been living like a 40something divorcee all my life. Comethefuckon already Laura! Get your shit togets!

Every night I go to bed thinking I'll hit the reset button, but every morning turns into the same afternoon into the same evening. I go by barely noticed in my daily life. I'm at the same time disturbed and thrilled when I get into random polite exchanges with cashiers and commuters. I'm practically 5 cats and a crossword book away from menopause.

The pistons just aren't firing lately. Should I make them?

So there's that,



Sam said...

You're not alone in the imagined jewel category. I embarrass myself when they pop into my head.

B said...

Wow. I totally get this. Sucks to feel stuck and realize that you've created it how to get unstuck? I'm 29, still searching for an effing long-term goal..everyone has these right? MK maybe my writing doesn't make sense. Anyway best of luck to you. Hi, I'm Becca btw, now I won't feel strange reading your blogs and commenting as I've officially introduced myself.