Piss and Moan

I have to complain for a moment.

I ate some popcorn last week, and I think I got a little of the kernel skin stuck in between my back-most molar and my gums. Ever since then, I've had the worst mouth pain! The gums around that tooth are swollen, and now the inside of my right cheek is starting to swell. The right side of my tongue is sore, too from my teeth gnashing it against the swelling. Mommy!

I need to go to the dentist. I haven't been since 2004, and isn't that very sad? First of all, I hate dentists. They are some freaky people. Secondly, I hate paying for it. Why do I hate paying for a dental visit, but I'll gladly pay the doctor? Do I think dentistry is quackery? Not necessarily, but I just don't enjoy the experience much.

A dentist visit is like bad sex. Think about it: Dentists breathe in your face, when they drill it smells like burning hair, and they like to tell you what they're doing as they do it. It creeps me out. When I get out of the chair, there's always a sheen of sweat left behind. The next time I go, I worry about going nuts like Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors and screaming "Candy Bars!"

The thing is, though, that I have dental insurance now. I should be able to pay for this; however, I've heard from other coworkers that their dentists make them pay upfront including the co-pay if they have work done at the visit. It's discounted mind you, but I don't need to be blindsided by having to fork out $250 for a root canal when I just came to get some kernel removed, ya dig?

There are greater fears. I need dental work done - extensively. I brush twice a day, sometimes more, but I can't floss well because my teeth are jammed so close together. Seriously, the last time I went to the dentist was the result of an emergency: One of my molars broke into pieces while I was flossing. Scary! Apparently an old filling was loosened over the years and the tooth became unstable. That resulted in a root canal and crown. Yipe - that's some money!

The reason why my teeth are close together is because my wisdom teeth are in. Every few months, they cause me about 2 weeks worth of pain. They're just knocking into my mouth, trying to claim residence. My whole mouth gets tender and I freak out about going to the dentist, end up not going, and wait until another mouth issue comes up before considering the dentist again.

And I got cavities. My teeth are looser than a drunk girl on rohypnol. I need help!

I think I get this wariness of medicine from my parents - especially from Dad. He doesn't like going to the dentist because he knows they'll have to give him dentures. If he thinks he broke his leg playing soccer with Cody, he'll "wait and see." He just muscles through it. Seriously, I think if we had a Meyer family crest, it would have a hog, a turtle and the Latin words for "Work Always in the Avoidance of Immutable Inevitability."

Any of my cousins out there agree?

So there's that,

Laura