The Taft Test

When I was working in Montana, I had a weekly tradition. On the last day of work before the "weekend" - not always Saturday through Sunday - I would take a long soak in the tub and scrub down with body oils and such. I called this my spa day. I would get pretty, dress up and go out on the town with my friends.

While I was in Montana, I focused hard on weight loss, so during this time I had two means of gauging my weight. The first is more obvious: Every Friday, I would weigh myself on the freight scale at the loading dock.

What? There wasn't a normal human scale to be found for miles, so this was my most convenient option. Near the end of the day, after they had loaded all the trucks, I would hop on this 5'x5' platform and watch the climbing calculations of the digital readout.

Every day of the following week while I was working, those red numbers would be burned into my memory. When I pulled sheets to untangle them from the knots they made in the washer, I would race to get it done - working my arms as fast as possible to tug the damp linen from the clump, sweat dripping off my face - everything was a challenge to me. I would load sheets on the iron the fastest, feed towels in the folder, sort soiled bath linens from the conveyor belt - all while making it a big competition in my mind. It was the best gym I ever went to.

But the other way I gauged weight loss was in the bathtub on that spa day. In the beginning of the summer, I was stuffed into the tub like a loaf of bread in a pan. As the summer progressed, I would notice that my hips would move away from the sides inch by inch, that I could slide lower into the full tub without overflowing it. I call it the Taft Test in honor of President William Howard Taft, who was so heavy that they had to design a special tub to fit him and all his girth.

I ended up putting myself to a Taft Test last night during my ritual bath. A couple of weeks ago I was a loaf of bread; last night, I felt oddly slimmer. Kind of like a loaf of bread that had been cooling and has begun to pull away from the pan. It's not a huge difference, but I'll take it.

I weigh in tonight, so let's hope that my Taft Test will prevail!

So there's that,

Laura

This Week's Recipe

I don't know if I mentioned this before, and I don't care to review my writings to see if I did, but I try to write a new recipe every week. For the most part, they're mainly one-pot dishes that I can make on Sunday, then I store them in disposable aluminum pans and scoop them out for lunch every day. I think I'm in love with the doozy I came up with this weekend.

Yesterday, we had a little blizzard and ice storm, so I got in the mood for a warm hearty dish. On one of my first nights in Chicago, my aunt Janice made this sausage pasta dish that I LOVED so much. My aunt Janice is skinny; I consider her the best skinny cook I've ever met, and I marvel that she keeps whole milk and butter in her fridge. How?

As for the pasta, I just remember good chunks of sausage, the taste of red pepper flake & greens, maybe parsley. I got to thinking about it, and decided to try and recreate it using light ingredients. Today I braved the weather (cold rain, washing the snow and ice away) for all the tasty treats I'd need. This is the spicy, savory result:

Sausage and White Bean Pasta
(Janice's didn't have beans; I just love fiber.)

1 lb. (package) Whole Wheat Textured Pasta - Rotini, Bowtie, etc.
1.5 Tbsp Olive Oil
1/2 Yellow Onion, chopped
1 Red Bell Pepper, sliced in thin strips
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 package Italian Style Chicken Sausage, sliced thinly on bias
1 head Green Kale, rinsed, dried and coarsely chopped
1 head Red Kale, rinsed, dried and coarsely chopped
1 can Great Northern Beans, rinsed and drained
1-2 cups Chicken Broth
Red Pepper Flakes, to taste
2 Tbsp Fresh Sage, chopped
Grated Parmesan Cheese

In a large pot, cook pasta until al dente. Drain and rinse with cold water to stop cooking. Let stand in sink.

Return the pot to the burner and reduce heat to medium. Add oil to pan, then saute onions and red pepper until golden and translucent. Add chopped garlic and cook for 1 minute. Toss in sausage and cook until browned and warmed through. Toss in red pepper flakes and sage; stir and cook for 1 minute. Add beans and 1 cup of chicken broth.

The kale must be added in batches, since it's so big. Add enough kale to reach the rim of the pot. Cover and let simmer for 5 to 10 minutes until kale is tender and can be stirred into sauce. Add remaining kale, cover and simmer until tender, as above. Add more stock as neccessary to steam greens. Stir to combine.

Add the pasta back to the pot. Toss with all the ingredients and heat through. Add salt and pepper to taste; served topped with grated parmesan cheese.

If you can't find kale, use another dark & hearty green, such as collard greens. Just make sure you rinse the sand from the leaves first. You can use all green kale, too; I just used both red and green because they were the same price and they looked pretty. This is a pretty cheap dish, too. The one splurge I guess is the chicken sausage - 'round here it's $4-$6, but it's worth it. Otherwise, the greens and onions and peppers are like $10 for the lot. Plus, this stuff will last forever because it's so pumped up with veggies.

So there's that,

Laura

A Good Read

If you're ever bored (read: at work) and you only have a computer at your disposal, I can highly recommend reading the transcripts from Larry King Live. You can find them here: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/lkl.html

Mind you, I never watch Larry King because it's boring, but these transcripts make for the best entertainment. You can really see how inept he is at interviewing people. He hops around topic, he interrupts; I daresay he has no in-depth journalism skills whatsoever - that is, unless you can count marrying someone that he could have statutorily raped many decades over. Wait, I don't think that's a journalistic skill.

Anyways...my favorite celebrity interviews thus far include Jerry Seinfeld and Judge Judith Scheindlin ("Judge Judy: Order in the Court!"). In the Seinfeld interview, he just fucks up a lot and Jerry calls him on it. In the Judge Judy interview, he asks her opinion on hot topics like the death of Kanye's mom. I love that in the end of that interview, he offers condolences for Ms. West...after having her judgment to undergo plastic surgery summarily scoffed at by Judge Judy.

Another gem is the interview with Baby Grace's father and grandmother, and the tactless segueway to an interview with Wayne Newton afterward. The "What a weird case" comment to the two grieving family members of the murdered toddler is utterly priceless.

So go forth and enjoy. It's on me.

So there's that,

Laura

Update: Lunch

I was sluggish getting out of bed this morning, so I didn't have time to pack today's lunch. My fallback plan for days like this is to get a simple turkey sub at Subway.

I can't go back to the one around the corner from my office. I don't care for the smell of the bread.

Yep. My first job was as a Subway Sandwich Artist, so 1) I know how the bread should smell; and 2) I know how to build a proper sub.

Let me digress a little here to discuss how Subway's quality has waned since I worked there - gulp - 10 years ago.

1. Why all the bread options? It just hurts profitability by upping the inventory costs. And everybody just gets white or wheat anyway. Guess what? I'm wheat.



2. We did the U-Gouge. Remember when the top of the bread was actually separated from the bottom? I miss those days. Now they cut the bread like they're gonna put hot dogs in there. It comes down to this: a sandwich is made from 2 pieces of bread; when I eat it, there should be a bottom and a top. I don't want to maneuver my sub to keep all the contents inside. If I wanted to work that hard, I would have went for tacos.



3. The sandwich used to be built from the bottom, up. Now they put the meat and cheese on the top half of the bread, and the veggies on the bottom. What the heck? They want to put the sauce on before the veggies, too! I don't want to eat dry lettuce! And I don't want the meat to slide around over the top of those veggies when I bite into it. It's unstable. When they're making mine, I order them to put the meat and cheese on the bottom half, the veggies and sauce on top of that...and they act like it's the craziest thing they ever heard.

Paulie: "Meat underneath the veggies? Are you serious, lady? Cuz' I can't reverse it once I do it. Hey Kwan, get in here! This bird wants me to put the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "Say what?"

Paulie: "I said, she wants the meat on the other side of the bread!"

Kwan: "On the outside???"

Paulie: "Nah, she wants the meat on the 'bottom' half of the bread."

Kwan: "You mean the side that's facing her, right?"

Paulie: "Nah, the side that's facing me."

Kwan: "Can you even do that?"

Paulie: "I dunno, but I'm gonna try."

Kwan: "I gotta see this!"

Meanwhile, the other customers start to gather near. A couple of cabbie-capped old guys in the back of the place stop playing chess to come over see what the commotion's about. A little boy in suspenders who had been trying to scam dimes from customers so he could buy a cookie runs to
the door and yells to the kids playing marbles on the street - "Hey Chuckie, Carl, Fist-Lips! You guys gotta see this! They're gonna put the meat on the bottom of this broad's hero sandwich!"

Bottom line: You always put the hamburger first on the hamburger bun, right? Subs aren't any different. Now gimme my Dagwood...tootsweet!

Digression complete.

But this bread just smelled weird. Like old freezer burn mixed with curry and cardboard. Not pleasant.

So there's that,

Laura

The Little Banalities of My Day

I've done something I never thought I'd do - I've developed a routine.

When I was a kid, I always wondered how my parents dealt with getting up at the same time every day, going to the same place of work for years and years...and years. Now I know it's just something that comes with an average adult life. I mean, it's not something that people of privelege and such do - it's something their predecessors did so they didn't have to.

For the past few days, I've been noticing the little quirks of my routine. Below is a list.

• I make my lunch every morning at 7:03. I don't know how; that's just what the microwave clock says every time I go in the kitchen. Also, I get done with that at 7:13, every time. And every morning I get pissed at the time I wasted, because now I have about 10 minutes to put clothes & makeup on, unplug the IPod, pack the purse and get out the door to make a decent bus.


• There's a commercial for fur coats on during the news. I always laugh at the phrase "soft beaver fur."


• Even though I get out of the apartment early enough to catch the 148 express bus, the bus is always, always backed up about 20 minutes behind schedule and packed standing-room-only. I don't want to be the person that keeps crowding the bus (seriously, if there are people stuffed to the front door, 10 more people will try and squeeze on with every stop), so I end up walking a couple of blocks to take a bus with a longer route - invariably the 146 or 145. At least I can get a seat on one of those and not fear of falling out the doors as it careens down Lake Shore Drive.


• I sit in the same seat every day. At the very back of the bus, with the window facing east so I can see the sun over the lake. Plus there's a little place to put my foot up.


• When it comes time to get off the bus, the automated door always closes on me. As it does, I make this squeeking sound, "Aaheeuhh," as I squeeze out. It's like a little pig squeal. It's probably one of my favorite involuntary quirks.


• I have to have 1.5 liters of water before I consider breakfast. I feel I'll be thrown off if I don't.


• Breakfast is always Kashi Good Friends or other high fiber cereal, 2% milk and an orange, unless it's bagel day. Two 16 oz cups of coffee are always consumed. Coffee makes my pee smell like Sugar Smacks cereal.


• Each day, there is always some person in the bathroom when I fart. Or I'm there when someone else farts. I stifle a giggle. Why is it so funny when someone farts in the bathroom? When it echoes into the toilet bowl, I lose it! If you're ever in a restroom and there is a fart, if you listen closely and hear someone laughing like Ernie on Sesame Street - that' s me.


• When I wash my hands at work - and this is true of every time I wash - I soap up long enough to sing the Happy Birthday song in my head. After rinsing, I use three paper towels - no more, no less - to dry my hands.


• If you don't know this about me, I'm a compulsive handwasher. I do it every time I come in from outside, every time I use the bathroom, every time I handle something unclean, and before I eat . At home I scrub my nails too. Likewise when I eat, I use many, many paper napkins so I can have a clean one every time I wipe my hands.


• It's a little freakish, I know, but I can't stand having dirty hands. Can't even concentrate. If I go to a restaurant and see people working without gloves, I'll walk out. However, if I don't see the back line, I'll be fine. Out of sight out of mind. But if some little Subway kid tries to bust out my sandwich glove-free, I'll be nauseated. I once had a crush on a guy until one of my male friends told me he didn't wash his hands after going to the restroom. Gross. You can be Brad Pitt, and it's still unforgivable. Like smoking.


• Do you think I'm weird? Get used to it.


• I eat lunch at 1:30 every day, after drinking 1.5 liters of water. I sit in the same seat in the back of the cafeteria, reading a book and listening to the IPod so no one will bother me. Lunch time is my time, unless I make plans with someone. If there is someone else in my seat, I have a minor internal freakout, but find a similarly pleasant seat.


• By the time 3:30 rolls around, I'm anxious to go home. I have 45 minutes left to the day. If I'm not busy, I sometimes do like JT Money and take a moment in the restroom and hope something comes from it. Word.


• If I go to the gym after work, there's only one good elliptical machine I like. If someone else is on it, I have a little internal freakout again - especially if that person is thin and "doesn't need it as much as I do." I resign myself to the crappy elliptical machine, then when they leave, I switch horses.


• When I get home, I can't do anything until my bed is made. The thing's right in the middle of the room, so if it's unmade, the whole place looks sloppy. After that, I invariably decide to wash the dishes and pick up around the apartment before I consider further plans.


• I have food rules. For example, I won't drink Diet Coke unless I can have a wedge of lemon in it. Prissy, no? That little rule just keeps me from overdoing the carbonated beverages. I also won't have popcorn unless I can have a diet soda with it. I like Diet A&W or Fresca. If I find myself in McDonald's I won't get fries unless it looks like they'll come just out of the fryer. However, if I really want fries, I'll request fresh ones. If I don't get fresh ones, I'll take them back. That's the only crappy thing I do as a consumer. I once made my friend Scott stand idle at a busy McD's drive-thru so they would bring me fresh fries. I don't care for chocolate - unless nuts or caramel are involved. It's my personal belief that brownies are worthless without walnuts. I will never eat canned veggies or fruit. My grandma had loads of canned peaches in her pantry over the weekend, and I got all gaggy in there thinking of the syrup and the smushy texture of those things.


• I like Mexican food when I watch Ugly Betty.


• My thoughts on strollers: you're the one who chose to have a baby and put it in an enormous stroller. I didn't. You should leave me some room on the sidewalk or in the grocery store. I get really steamed if the kid is big enough to walk (I'm talking 4-5 years old) and you're still carting him around like some invalid. And don't get me started on mommy friends who walk their strollers side-by-side so no one can get through. Just because you can prove you had sex, doesn't mean I have to bow out of your path. Oral herpes is proof of sex, too, but you won't hop off the sidewalk because someone has cold sores. Let's be reasonable.


• I don't give money to homeless people, and I don't feel guilty. Especially if they take post outside a liquor store. I had a public school education and I did something with it. So can you.


• I'm heartless.


• I take a long bath every night. It gives me opportunity to read and relax. I take a shower every morning. I don't have to pay for water.


• I have to have clean feet before I get into bed.


• I use all six pillows on my bed. I somehow build a fort throughout the night while I sleep; when I wake up, I'm cradled in pillows.

I'm single, people - I have time to think on these things. Is this sad? Maybe. But it's honest, and it kind of makes me feel good to get some of this off my chest. I encourage you to examine your odd behaviors and let me know how that goes.

So there's that,

Laura

Never Gonna Give You Up

One thing I like about my nutrition plan is that I can eat a bagel and schmear for breakfast and I won't die. It's got my 2 starch & my 1 fat.

Wednesday is bagel day at work. One bagel, fifty cents, "and all the philly steaks you can eat. Back in school we used to dream about this everyday..." Sorry, I drifted off into Motown Philly. But when you're on a diet that can be restrictive, it's nice to be able to "treat" yourself to something that's not really breaking the rules.

Some call it hump day; I call it blueberry-bagel-with-whipped-strawberry-cream-cheese day. And I can't resist it. I get it crispy toasted, pour myself some Wintry Blend coffee from my thermos (oh yeah, I'm one of those now), and go through my work for the day.

With these little office pleasures, some would say I'm living in a Dilbert cartoon. To those I say, "You should try it sometime." Because if Dilbert's wrong, then baby, I don't wanna be right.

So there's that,

Laura

Not Only Is It An All Around Beautiful Name, It Is Also a Living Tribute

At my weigh-in last night, I found I lost SEVEN (7) pounds since starting the nutrition plan last Thursday! I think that's a huge success considering the snacking and drinking I'd done over the 4-day holiday. I'm fairly sure if I get some good excercise in this week, and focus in on my daily food goals, I can lose 10 pounds for next week. Watch me!

So in celebration of this feat, quoted below is a scene from "The Seven" episode of Seinfeld. Enjoy!

GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.

SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you.

GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.

SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.

GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?

SUSAN: Yeah.

George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.

SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?

GEORGE: No, Seven.

SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?

GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...

Susan scoffs.

GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.

SUSAN: I don't think so.

GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?

SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.

GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.

SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!

GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!

SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!

GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!

So there's that,

Laura