Update: Pantyhose

Last week I complained about my thighs tearing holes into new pantyhose. I ordered the largest sizes offered by avenue.com and lanebryant.com, and so far the Avenue tights have arrived. Both pairs fit beautifully, with the crotch in the right place. They're actually a little big!

I think I soon may be an addict; problem is, I have to get them online when I used to be able to run to Walgreen's in a pinch. Oh well.

So there's that,

Laura

Thanksgiving Highlights

In order of occurrence:

Thursday 11/22

• 7 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. - Enjoyed a blissful ride with Uncle Bill and Aunt Paula from Chicago to Jasper, IN. Discussed my new job, why I left the old job, dieting, and general hilarity. My Brussels sprout dish leaked a little on the backseat of their new Jeep.
• 12:30 p.m. - In my rush to drop off my dishes in Grandma's kitchen and run out to clean the Jeep's upholstery of sprout evidence, I snuck in a hurried hug with Grandma Kavanaugh who was seated in the kitchen. In response to her "Tyrannosaurus Rex" arms that hung limply against my chest as I hugged her, I said, "Grandma you've got to hug me better than that!" To which she replied, "Oh well honey, I can barely get my arms around you." As I rushed out of the room to get to the car I said, "That's because I'm obese!" The subtle weight criticism begins.
• 1:30 p.m. - In a rare Norman Rockwell episode, all the women in the house - Me, Mom, Sally & Paula - gather around for what could be one of the last times we can watch, help, and learn how Grandma makes her homemade yeast rolls from a recipe she has memorized all her life. Moment is ruined when Micromanager Sally gets anxious and flustered when Grandma strays from the recipe that Sally transcribed from years past. Mom and I share knowing glances.
• 3:20 p.m. - I put my green bean casserole in the oven to warm up.
• 3:40 p.m. - I add the fried onions to the top of the casserole and crank the heat up on the oven so everything will be done by dinner at 4:00.
• 3:55 p.m. - As I approach the oven to remove the casserole, Mom says, "I think it's a goner." I open the door to see the burnt onions, but the casserole is still moist and tasty. I note that even though she was at the oven minutes before me, she didn't remove the "goner" dish. Bitch.
• 3:58 p.m. - As I'm bringing the large casserole upstairs to the kitchen, Aunt Sally micromanages me by directing me away from where I was going to put the hot pan (on the pullout woodblock underneath grandma's microwave) to a tiny burner-sized space on the kitchen stovetop. I say, "Why don't I put it where I intended to put it - on this wood block. Pull it out for me if you want to be helpful." She does. Upperhand obtained.
• 4:00 p.m. - Cousin Anne arrives just in time for dinner. She's nice but she comes from freeloader stock, and she has a mullet. She's had the same haircut all my life. She has a teenage daughter and I always wondered who would bed such a woman. I'm awful.
• 4:10 p.m. - Everybody is seated at the table with their food. Sally is martyring herself in the kitchen, removing rolls from their pans even though nobody has room on their plates for them.
• 4:25 p.m. - Sally finally joins the table, and even though we've already begun eating, grace is prayed.
• 5:15 p.m. - DAD AND I LEAVE THAT MADHOUSE TO HANG OUT AT AUNT BECK'S!!!!!!
• I get to see my Meyer cousins and a couple of crazy pictures are taken.
• Michelle rushes out of the room to take a dump, as we all suspected. We laugh.
• After Gavin and Kennedy get baths, all us girl cousins take them to the bedroom to change them and goof off with them. I rub a towel over my head over and over again, exclaiming "I just got out of the shower!" Cassie and I do the "Brrr, It's Cold in Here" cheer for the babies.
• Beck tells me she has read my blog and it has made her cry.
• Dad and I go home and have good driving conversation.

Friday, 11/23

• I spend the entire day at Manda's house visiting and playing with Cody & Ella. I learn that Cody couldn't go to Hooters for his birthday because one friend's mom didn't like the idea. I ask him if he went to "Balls" instead.
• We put up Manda's tree and Christmas decorations while Ella naps. When she wakes up we tell her there's a surprise in the living room for her. She runs to the stairs and says, "OooooOOOOOooooh! Ah Pretty!" when she sees the tree. We show her all the "pretties" in the house.
• I make Oatmeal Scotchies (oatmeal cookies with butterscotch chips and walnuts) for the decorating day.
• Cody calls me a Jew when I keep winning at Connect Four. I tell him, "You know what's funny about the Jews? Six Million of them were murdered during the Holocaust." The lesson being that he shouldn't make fun of Jews, and I get to make a joke in bad taste to make my point.

Saturday 11/24

• We celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday at the VFW in Jasper. We arrive early and the conversation is painful. I make the excuse to run to Walgreens for a disposable camera, taking Cody with me. I yell at a woman who takes up 2 parking spaces, calling her "big-titted."
• I order a gin and tonic and am pleasantly surprised to learn it costs only 2 dollars. "I love coming home!" I exclaim to the bartender.
• I spend most of the party with Manda and her family, as I don't know the exact names of most of my cousins. They all have T-names - Tammy, Theresa, Tracy, Tina, etc. I can't keep them straight, so it's best not to strike up conversation.
• Mom shows signs of being crazy. When she introduces Manda to her aunt, she mentions "The thing I remember about Atz is that she made a chocolate cake and put pecans all around it for so-and-so's birthday." Atz looks confused and says, "I don't remember ever making such a thing," and Mom's eyes glaze over and she says, "Oh, you did, and it was the best cake ever." Manda's eyes bulge out and she turns to me as if to say, "Bitch is crazy!" Mom also made the comment, "She's so beautiful," to the father of a long-haired child. He corrected her that the child was a boy.
• Aunt Marlene won't get in the family photo because Mom is in it. They had a big fight earlier this year. Uncle Pat, Aunt Sally and Aunt Paula keep trying to convince her in the back of the room, but she just says, "No!" There's a little scene. Meanwhile Mom is standing with some of her brothers while waiting for the photo and she starts acting like a child, putting bunny ears on people and laughing. Manda turns to me and says, "Marlene is being a baby about this picture, and Mom's up there acting like a retard. I don't know which is worse." The picture is taken without Marlene. Manda says that was kind of out of line, but she can't blame her.
• Later when recounting the story to Dad, he says, "I can't blame her."
• When I come home, Dad makes coffee and tells me to add a touch of Bailey's to it; apparently it's his new favorite thing. Gift Idea! We have one of those great stand-around-the-kitchen chats.
• The subject turns to the question, "If someone cheats to win a prize, how can that make them feel good?" Dad shows me a Field and Stream editorial about a man who took an easy shot at a doe and ended up reconsdering his stance on hunting. Dad got to talking about how he could never hunt because he would be afraid of wounding the animal and having to put it out of its misery. He starts to get weepy when he talks about a guy who had to shoot a buck in the heart to finally kill it. He gets choked up about it, says "Goddamnit," and has to leave the room to compose himself.
• We decide to watch Hairspray, but Mom comes home just as I start to load the DVD. Dad says, "Well you can forget about that." We tried to watch it while she babbled drunkly. She exclaimed, "I never drank so much in my life!" and from the looks we exchanged, both Dad and I found that hard to believe.

Sunday 11/25

• I left at 7 a.m. to ride back to Chicago with Uncle Wally. We discussed our new jobs, why we left the old ones, bad management.
• I introduced him to the McGriddle. He introduced me to the Sausage Burrito. I still like my McGriddle.
• We pass a billboard in Indiana advertising Scrementi's Italian Restaurant. I comment that the name sounds like a bowel movement. For 5 minutes, Wally and I bust each other up talking like Italians: "What is-a this steaming pile of pasta?" "Is Scrementi's!" "Is this marinara?" "Is Scrementi's!" "Is Family, Is Fun, Is Scrementi's!" Let me tell you about it sometime.

So there's that,

Laura

This Week's Recipes

In following my new nutrition plan, I've decided to develop two new recipes every week to enjoy for lunch and dinner.

Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto

3/4 Jar, Alessi Sun-Dried Tomatoes in Olive Oil
3 Cloves Garlic
1 Handful of Fresh Basil
1/2 c Shredded /Grated Parmesan Cheese
The Juice of 1 Lemon
2 Tbsp Tomato Packing Oil
Salt & Pepper to Taste
Chicken Broth as needed
1 box whole wheat pasta, preferably textured such as rotini, fusilli or bowtie.

Cook pasta according to package directions. In food processor, combine tomatoes (separated from oil), garlic, basil, & cheese. Pulse to combine. Add oil, lemon juice, salt/pepper & chicken broth as needed to help combine the mixture. It should hold together in a loose ball. Toss with hot whole wheat pasta. Add torn basil leavs & quartered grape tomatoes & serve.

Hot Potatoes for One

5 Baby Red Potatoes, whole
1 Clove Smashed Garlic
1 - 2 tsp of Concentrated Crab Boil (you can find it in the spice section or the seafood counter, near Old Bay Seasoning)
Salt and Pepper to taste
Lite Butter (optional)

In a small pot combine potatoes, garlic & crab boil; cover with water and boil until potatoes are tender. Drain and return to hot pot on stovetop. Toss with salt (or garlic salt), pepper and a little lite butter (optional). Serve hot, with hot sauce on the side.

So there's that,

Laura

What I'm Bringing to Thanksgiving Dinner

Since I'm riding home with my aunt and uncle tomorrow morning, I won't have time to make all my dishes at Grandma's like I'm used to. I'll get there just in time to make oyster stuffing and bread, but that's about it. Here are the dishes I'm prepping up tonight in my studio kitchen.

Brussels Sprouts with Chestnuts

Fresh Brussels Sprouts flash-boiled then sauteed with Crisp Bacon, Leeks, and Home-Roasted Chestnuts; made tart and sweet in a Maple-Cider Vinegar Reduction

Campbell's Wishes You Wouldn't Make This Green Bean Casserole

Fresh Haricot Verts flash-boiled and combined with a rich Homemade Mushroom Bechamel Sauce spiced with Black Pepper and a touch of Hot Sauce

Amply crusted with French-Fried Onions and Parmesan

Autumn Succotash

Roasted Corn, Shelled Edamame and Navy Beans combine in this classic comfort dish. With the flavors of Crisp Turkey Bacon, Lemon Juice and a touch of Cayenne Pepper, this dish will keep you warm - even in the cold stares of your judgmental extended family.

The trick will be getting this all safely to Indiana - and finding room in my fridge in the meantime!

So there's that,

Laura

Thanksgiving Emails with Justin

It began with Justin...

i want you to come up with a spiel about thanksgiving so you can go "hey,
joe are you celebrating thanksgiving? that's a shame. i don't participate
in the annual slaughter of the native fowl of this country in order to
quench my thirst for bloodshed in which this country was founded and the
first slight of hand from our european ancestors was dealt to the
indigenous people of this nation."

Justin

Then say, "Can I offer you a smallpox blanket?"

Laura

or just put red paint on your hand and smear it on their backs. and go
"this is blood on your hands..."

Justin

This makes me think of the ladies who stand outside of Andriana Furs -

http://www.andrianafurs.com/splash.asp - handing out sale flyers to
passers-by. I always want to scream "Fur is Murder!!" just for kicks,
though I don't really care. Shoot, if mafia brides and black women don't
buy fur, someone else in the world will. You can't police that stuff. Fur

was the foundation of Canada and the Mississippi - how dare they try to
disown our heritage???

Laura

amen. what if we killed rodents as a solution for fuel? and burned them?
or the animals that they kill for fur...i mean, what's the rest being used
for? burn that shit. (or do they send it to popeyes?)

Justin

Touche.

So there's that,

Laura

What I'm Having for Lunch

I might make this a regular entry, so bear with me. I'm trying to look forward to my food creations so I don't bow out and go to Chipotle at the last minute. Plus I used to write this stuff for a living, so it's fun to stretch my creative muscles again.

Baby Salad
Featuring Fresh Baby Spinach and Halved Baby Cucumbers

Tuscan Chicken Sandwich
Featuring Mustard-Marinated Chicken Breast, Baby Spinach, Quartered Grape Tomatoes and Sundried Tomato-Basil Mayo on Whole Wheat Bread

Two Whole Kosher Dill Pickles

Guiltless Raspberry Yogurt Trifle
Frozen Raspberries layered with Plain, Nonfat Greek Yogurt
Dusted with Splenda

There. That sounds better than a Burrito Bol, doesn't it?

So there's that,

Laura

What I'm Having for Dinner Tonight

4 oz. Shrimp sauteed in chili flake & garlic

1/3 c Whole Wheat Couscous, steamed in 2/3 c Chicken Broth & Tossed with Baby Peas, Chopped Asparagus, 1 tsp Olive Oil, salt, pepper, sprinkle of Parmesan Cheese

Spinach Salad with Cucumbers, Pomegranate Seeds and fat free Balsamic Vinaigrette.

Frozen Raspberry & Pineapple Slush made with Fresca

TV Snack: Rainbow Popcorn popped in chili and toasted sesame oils, dusted with salt and Wasabi Powder

See, I can be creative with a diet plan. It's just getting the energy to make something for myself that's the problem these days.

So there's that,

Laura